Dear Cameron,It’s been a long time hasn’t it? Since we went our separate ways you’ve been an Angel, got yourself a celebrity boyfriend and moved to the Hollywood hills. And me? Well, I got my hair cut and finally threw away that horrible shirt.
It could have been so different for us.
It’s still not too late you know.
Frankly I’m concerned about Justin. Let’s be honest, he’s nothing more than a glorified dancer in boy band. And the idea of him being in that John Lydon biopic, well that’s just plain wrong. You really should come back to Brighton. You’re welcome to stay on our couch, I’m sure Stevie B won’t mind. The weather’s lovely at this time of year especially with all that bracing sea air. We could go down to the pier and then have a fish ‘n’ chip supper at Harry Ramsden’s. I’ll even let you be my +1 at the Concorde. Okay, you might miss some of your acting pals, but Brad’s been thinking of getting a place here and Cate only lives along the road. And the paparazzi aren’t so bad here, we never used to get too much hassle did we?
We really need to sort out your choice of films too. I mean, Charlie’s Angels was fun but that sequel… and The Sweetest Thing… and In Your Shoes? Whatever happened to those quirky indie movies like The Last Supper, A Life Less Ordinary and Very Bad Things? If you’d been working over here earlier you might have got the part as that cocky American girl in The Descent. I’m sure I could find you some decent scripts. Heck, one of my friends is a screenwriter, maybe I could ask him to write a role just for you in his next film. And there’s always British television – maybe you could take over from Billie Piper in Doctor Who? I’m sure you’d like it in Wales.
We had fun together. We should do so again soon. You know it makes sense.
Your good friend,
Soulmining
5 comments:
Dear Soulmining,
I must admit, your letter comes as I reach a crossroads in my life. I am so tired of this life of celebrity and glamour. Do you know, I can't remember the last time I ate fish and chips? Do you know I can't remember the last time I ate?
I feel that my creative juices have been extracted from my body. I know that I have made some poor movie choices. The Sweetest Thing was a debacle. I only took the role after my agent informed me that some of my fans were upset at me for continually accepting roles in which I died as a result of my own actions (such as The Last Supper and Vanilla Sky), or slept with older, less attractive men, vis a vis Head Above Water. They found it too challenging.
Perhaps a stint in the UK will inspire my weary self again. I had to end it with Jared because I couldn't stop thinking about you. And he was better looking than me and was getting more attention.
I love Justy like I would love a puppy. And I must refer to your unfair comment re his acting. Did you not see him don a Dolphin suit on stage at a Flaming Lips concert? For a moment there I actually believed that he was a dolphin. But I just don't feel that I can grow with him the way I did with you.
I'll be on the next flight, and I will be overjoyed to stay on Stevie B's couch. Will you let me eat?
Yours,
Cam-Cam
Bloody Hollywood stars. She goes and does great work in things like Vanilla Sky and Being John Malkovich, and then it's business as usual with In Her bloody Shoes. Listen to Phil, Cameron. Come to the UK, get the accent down, and start doing proper movies again. We'll wait until your tan goes, don't worry.
You wouldn't mind writing a part for her, would you? Thanks mate, I owe you one.
I'm an equal opportunity dude, she's always welcome to screentest. She could even have tried out for Maggie's part in Severance, but she wouldn't have kicked quite as much ass as Laura Harris did...
She needs to wear a bra.
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