Sunday, August 31, 2008

Bad Biology

Dir: Frank Henenlotter

Cast: Charlee Danielson, Anthony Sneed, Tom Kohut, James Glickenhaus

She's got seven clits
he injects his monster cock
they're a perfect match

soulmining rating: ***


Dir: Paddy Breathnach

Cast: Arielle Kebbel, Sarah Carter, Andrew Lee Potts, Martin Compston

Goes into coma
drugs make him possess and kill
far too much strobing

soulmining rating: **

The Strangers

Dir: Bryan Bertino

Cast: Liv Tyler, Scott Speedman, Gemma Ward, Kip Weeks

Alone in the house
the strangers come a knocking
make you jump a lot

soulmining rating: ****

Mum & Dad

Dir: Steven Sheil

Cast: Perry Benson, Dido Miles, Olga Fedori, Ainsley Howard

Heathrow drives them mad
parents abduct immigrants
so dysfunctional

soulmining rating: ****

Trailer Park Of Terror

Dir: Steven Goldman

Cast: Nichole Hiltz, Trace Adkins, Priscilla Barnes, Stefanie Black

Trailer trash zombies
feast on visiting teenies
fry them in hot oil

soulmining rating: ***


Dir: Nacho Vigalondo

Cast: Karra Elejalde, Barbara Goenaga, Nacho Vigalondo, Candela Fernandez

Spies on girl in woods
flees masked man in time machine
needs to change future

soulmining rating: ****

Scar 3D

Dir: Jed Weintrob

Cast: Angela Bettis, Kirby Bliss Blanton, Ben Cotton, Devon Graye

A killer returns
tortures young girls in the morgue
first breasts in 3D

soulmining rating: ***

I Know How Many Runs You Scored Last Summer

Dir: Stacey Edmonds & Doug Turner

Cast: Jai Koutrae, Stacey Edmonds, Az Jackson, David Gambin

Bullied at boys school
now puts spikes in cricket balls
have a nice shower

soulmining rating: *

Eden Lake

Dir: James Watkins

Cast: Kelly Reilly, Michael Fassbender, Jack O'Connell, Thomas Turgoose

Couple go camping
hoodies intimidate them
I blame the parents

soulmining rating: ****

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

The Mummy: Tomb Of The Dragon Emperor

Dir: Rob Cohen

Cast: Brendan Fraser, Jet Li, Maria Bello, John Hannah

Absolute nonsense
so bad I made myself sleep
bring back talking plane

soulmining rating: *

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Get Smart

Dir: Peter Segal

Cast: Steve Carell, Anne Hathaway, Dwayne Johnson, Alan Arkin

Promoted to spy
lots of mishaps on the way
stop the conductor

soulmining rating: ****

Friday, August 08, 2008


Dir: Prachya Pinkaew

Cast: JeeJa Yanin, Hiroshi Abe, Pongpat Wachirabanjong, Amara Siripong

She collects the debts

has to fight lots of heavies
but is scared of flies

soulmining rating: ****

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

Hellboy II: The Golden Army

Dir: Guillermo Del Toro

Cast: Ron Perlman, Selma Blair, Doug Jones, Jeffrey Tambor

Search the troll market
stop Prince from raising army
become big red dad

soulmining rating: ****

The X Files: I Want To Believe

Dir: Chris Carter

Cast: David Duchovny, Gillian Anderson, Amanda Peet, Billy Connolly

Big yin has visions
need to find missing agent
Mulder still obsessed

soulmining rating: ***

Thursday, July 31, 2008


Dir: Andrew Stanton

Voices: Ben Burtt, Elissa Knight, Jeff Garlin, Sigourney Weaver

He cleans up the earth
she comes looking for plant life
chase around spaceship

soulmining rating: ****

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

The Dark Knight

Dir: Christopher Nolan

Cast: Christian Bale, Michael Caine, Heath Ledger, Gary Oldman

Ledger's legacy
as Joker toys with Batman
targets Harvey Dent

soulmining rating: ****

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Journey To The Centre Of The Earth 3D

Dir: Eric Brevig

Cast: Brendan Fraser, Josh Hutcherson, Anita Briem, Seth Meyers

Find volcanic tubes
dodge beasties at the earth's core
and flying yo-yo

soulmining rating: ****

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Brighton Wok: The Legend Of Ganja Boxing

Dir: Gabriel Howard

Cast: Richard Forsyth, Samson Byford-Winter, Randolph Barrington, Laura Byford-Winter

He's the chosen one
devil's claw at royal pav
smokes ganja to fight

soulmining rating: ***

Friday, July 11, 2008

Donkey Punch

Dir: Olly Blackburn

Cast: Robert Boulter, Tom Burke, Nichola Burley, Jaime Winstone

Party on the boat
donkey punch kills one of them
everyone panics

soulmining rating: ****


Dir: Peter Berg

Cast: Will Smith, Charlize Theron, Jason Bateman, Eddie Marsan

Drunk superhero
forced to go into rehab
suddenly veers off

soulmining rating: **

Sunday, June 29, 2008


Dir: Timur Bekmambetov

Cast: James McAvoy, Morgan Freeman, Angelina Jolie, Terence Stamp

Normal office guy
finds that he can curve bullets
adult action joy

soulmining rating: ****

The Ruins

Dir: Carter Smith

Cast: Jonathan Tucker, Jena Malone, Laura Ramsey, Shawn Ashmore

Don't step on the vines
don't try and leave the hillside
don't pick up the knife

soulmining rating: ***

Sunday, June 22, 2008

The Incredible Hulk

Dir: Louis Leterrier

Cast: Edward Norton, Liv Tyler, Tim Roth, William Hurt

He still gets angry
army want to capture him
big fight on high street

soulmining rating: ***

The Happening

Dir: M. Night Shyamalan

Cast: Mark Wahlberg, Zooey Deschanel, John Leguizamo, Ashlyn Sanchez

Suicides begin
not a terrorist attack
he talks to the plants

soulmining rating: **

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

Superhero Movie

Dir: Craig Mazin

Cast: Drake Bell, Sara Paxton, Christopher McDonald, Leslie Nielsen

More like shit movie
Dragonfly not Spiderman
it's a laugh free zone

soulmining rating: *

Monday, June 02, 2008

Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull

Dir: Steven Spielberg

Cast: Harrison Ford, Cate Blanchett, Karen Allen, Shia LaBeouf

Man with hat is back
goes on adventure with skull
now with added son

soulmining rating: ***

Wednesday, May 21, 2008


Dir: Steve Barker

Cast: Ray Stevenson, Julian Wadham, Richard Brake, Paul Blair

In soldiers' bunker
looking for secret machine
those Nazi's aren't dead

soulmining rating: ***

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Speed Racer

Dir: The Wachowski Brothers

Cast: Emile Hirsch, Christina Ricci, John Goodman, Susan Sarandon

Colours blast your eyes
stop the crooked businessman
go speed go and win

soulmining rating: ****

Friday, May 02, 2008

Iron Man

Dir: Jon Favreau

Cast: Robert Downey Jr, Terrence Howard, Jeff Bridges, Gwyneth Paltrow

Captured in desert
builds iron suit to escape
stops making weapons

soulmining rating: ***

Thursday, May 01, 2008


Dir: Marcel Langenegger

Cast: Hugh Jackman, Ewan McGregor, Michelle Williams, Maggie Q

He joins their sex list
but they're just setting him up
shamed faces all round

soulmining rating: *

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

In Bruges

Dir: Martin McDonagh

Cast: Colin Farrell, Brendan Gleeson, Ralph Fiennes, Clemence Poesy

Two hitmen in Bruges
sightsee and meet racist dwarf
boss comes to kill them

soulmining rating: ****

Street Kings

Dir: David Ayer

Cast: Keanu Reeves, Forest Whitaker, Hugh Laurie, Chris Evans

Corrupt police force
he's the one that takes a stand
seen it all before

soulmining rating: ***

Monday, April 21, 2008

Forgetting Sarah Marshall

Dir: Nicholas Stoller

Cast: Jason Segel, Kristen Bell, Mila Kunis, Russell Brand

Meets his ex on hols
now she's with English rockstar
Brand just plays himself

soulmining rating: ****

Sunday, April 20, 2008


Dir: Marjane Satrapi & Vincent Paronnaud

Voices: Chiara Mastroianni, Catherine Deneuve, Danielle Darrieux, Simon Abkarian

Young girl in Iran
grows up in revolution
keeps independence

soulmining rating: ***

Friday, April 18, 2008


Dir: Robert Luketic

Cast: Jim Sturgess, Kate Bosworth, Laurence Fishburne, Kevin Spacey

He's plays Blackjack well
go to Vegas to count cards
Fishburne's watching them

soulmining rating: ****


Dir: Marc Schloelermann

Cast: Milo Ventimiglia, Michael Weston, Alyssa Milano, Lauren Lee Smith

Wretched med students
kill random strangers for fun
worthless piece of sh*t

soulmining rating: *

Sunday, April 13, 2008


Dir: Robert Rodriguez & Quentin Tarantino

Cast: Rose McGowan, Freddy Rodriguez, Kurt Russell, Rosario Dawson

Back to back at last
fight flesh-dripping humans then
take a ride with Mike

soulmining rating: *****

Wednesday, April 09, 2008


Dir: Joby Harold

Cast: Hayden Christensen, Jessica Alba, Terrence Howard, Lena Olin

Rich kid has heart op
but he doesn't fall asleep
they plan to kill him

soulmining rating: **

Art Of The Devil 3

Dir: Pasith Buranajan

Cast: Napakpapha Nakprasitte, Namo Tongkumnerd

How teacher went bad
wanted her for Mum's spirit
gets out safety pins

soulmining rating: ***


Dir: Masayuki Ochiai

Cast: Joshua Jackson, Rachael Taylor, David Denman, John Hensley

Newlyweds go east
spooky ghost in their photos
he did a bad thing

soulmining rating: **


Dir: Neil Marshall

Cast: Rhona Mitra, Bob Hoskins, Craig Conway, Malcolm McDowell

Virus in London
go over wall to Glasgow
looking for a cure

soulmining rating: ****

The Mist

Dir: Frank Darabont

Cast: Thomas Jane, Marcia Gay Harden, Laurie Holden, Jeffrey DeMunn

Something in the mist
townsfolk get stranded in store
how far can they get?

soulmining rating: ****

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

The Cottage

Dir: Paul Andrew Williams

Cast: Andy Serkis, Reece Shearsmith, Steve O'Donnell, Jennifer Ellison

Kidnap busty girl
hide in a remote cottage
chased by scarred farmer

soulmining rating: **

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Vantage Point

Dir: Pete Travis

Cast: Dennis Quaid, Matthew Fox, Forest Whitaker, William Hurt

See same scene six times
President shot and bomb blast
next time sillier

soulmining rating: ***

Friday, March 07, 2008

The Eye

Dir: David Moreau & Xavier Palud

Cast: Jessica Alba, Alessandro Nivola, Parker Posey, Rade Serbedzija

Blind girl gets new eyes
sees spirits taking the dead
tanker will explode

soulmining rating: ***

Sunday, March 02, 2008


Dir: Sylvester Stallone

Cast: Sylvester Stallone, Julie Benz, Matthew Marsden, Graham McTavish

He guides aid workers
captured by Burmese rebels
shoot them to pieces

soulmining rating: ***

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Be Kind Rewind

Dir: Michel Gondry

Cast: Jack Black, Mos Def, Danny Glover, Mia Farrow

He erased the tapes
so they make their own versions
try to save the shop

soulmining rating: ****


Dir: Gregory Hoblit

Cast: Diane Lane, Billy Burke, Colin Hanks, Joseph Cross

Posts victims online
more viewers mean quicker deaths
everyone logs on

soulmining rating: ***

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Blade Runner: The Final Cut

Dir: Ridley Scott

Cast: Harrison Ford, Rutger Hauer, Sean Young, Edward James Olmos

Ridley tinkers more
sci-fi classic looks awesome
not a replicant

soulmining rating: ****

U2 3D

Dir: Catherine Owens & Mark Pellington

Cast: Bono, The Edge, Adam Clayton, Larry Mullen Jr

Uno dos tres wow
you can almost touch the band
the future is now

soulmining rating: ***