Sunday, August 31, 2008

Bad Biology

Dir: Frank Henenlotter

Cast: Charlee Danielson, Anthony Sneed, Tom Kohut, James Glickenhaus

She's got seven clits
he injects his monster cock
they're a perfect match

soulmining rating: ***


Dir: Paddy Breathnach

Cast: Arielle Kebbel, Sarah Carter, Andrew Lee Potts, Martin Compston

Goes into coma
drugs make him possess and kill
far too much strobing

soulmining rating: **

The Strangers

Dir: Bryan Bertino

Cast: Liv Tyler, Scott Speedman, Gemma Ward, Kip Weeks

Alone in the house
the strangers come a knocking
make you jump a lot

soulmining rating: ****

Mum & Dad

Dir: Steven Sheil

Cast: Perry Benson, Dido Miles, Olga Fedori, Ainsley Howard

Heathrow drives them mad
parents abduct immigrants
so dysfunctional

soulmining rating: ****

Trailer Park Of Terror

Dir: Steven Goldman

Cast: Nichole Hiltz, Trace Adkins, Priscilla Barnes, Stefanie Black

Trailer trash zombies
feast on visiting teenies
fry them in hot oil

soulmining rating: ***


Dir: Nacho Vigalondo

Cast: Karra Elejalde, Barbara Goenaga, Nacho Vigalondo, Candela Fernandez

Spies on girl in woods
flees masked man in time machine
needs to change future

soulmining rating: ****

Scar 3D

Dir: Jed Weintrob

Cast: Angela Bettis, Kirby Bliss Blanton, Ben Cotton, Devon Graye

A killer returns
tortures young girls in the morgue
first breasts in 3D

soulmining rating: ***

I Know How Many Runs You Scored Last Summer

Dir: Stacey Edmonds & Doug Turner

Cast: Jai Koutrae, Stacey Edmonds, Az Jackson, David Gambin

Bullied at boys school
now puts spikes in cricket balls
have a nice shower

soulmining rating: *

Eden Lake

Dir: James Watkins

Cast: Kelly Reilly, Michael Fassbender, Jack O'Connell, Thomas Turgoose

Couple go camping
hoodies intimidate them
I blame the parents

soulmining rating: ****

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

The Mummy: Tomb Of The Dragon Emperor

Dir: Rob Cohen

Cast: Brendan Fraser, Jet Li, Maria Bello, John Hannah

Absolute nonsense
so bad I made myself sleep
bring back talking plane

soulmining rating: *

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Get Smart

Dir: Peter Segal

Cast: Steve Carell, Anne Hathaway, Dwayne Johnson, Alan Arkin

Promoted to spy
lots of mishaps on the way
stop the conductor

soulmining rating: ****

Friday, August 08, 2008


Dir: Prachya Pinkaew

Cast: JeeJa Yanin, Hiroshi Abe, Pongpat Wachirabanjong, Amara Siripong

She collects the debts

has to fight lots of heavies
but is scared of flies

soulmining rating: ****

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

Hellboy II: The Golden Army

Dir: Guillermo Del Toro

Cast: Ron Perlman, Selma Blair, Doug Jones, Jeffrey Tambor

Search the troll market
stop Prince from raising army
become big red dad

soulmining rating: ****

The X Files: I Want To Believe

Dir: Chris Carter

Cast: David Duchovny, Gillian Anderson, Amanda Peet, Billy Connolly

Big yin has visions
need to find missing agent
Mulder still obsessed

soulmining rating: ***