Movie Haiku - Revolver

www.revolverthemovie.co.uk


Dir: Guy Ritchie


Cast: Jason Statham, Ray Liotta, Andre Benjamin, Vincent Pastore


They talk in riddles

who, what, why, where and who cares?

deserves no credits


Rich - who had the misfortune of seeing Revolver with me - said I should just write, "Shit!" But you all want to know what kind of shit don't you, so I'll oblige. Let me begin by saying that I enjoyed Ritchie's first two films (I had the good sense to avoid his turd, sorry third film, Swept Away) so I did rather wonder whether the critics just had it in for him. Had he really shot himself in the foot with his latest project? Well, yes, on this occasion the reviews were 100% accurate - this is a bona-fide stinker. You want the plot? It's something to do with Jake (Statham) being released from prison, then heading over to a casino in... some place where they have $12 dollar bills... to perform a con on Macha (Liotta). He gets involved with two mobsters, Avi (Benjamin) and Zach (Pastore) who he might or might not have met before. There's also a lot of talk about a mysterious Mr Gold who might or might not exist at all. And that really is about it. Who's conning who, how and why are all tied up in an endless series of riddles, and after the first half hour you really won't care anyway - you'll more likely have lost the will to live. Don't be fooled by Ritchie's claims that this is a movie for smart people, it isn't; even Stephen Hawking couldn't work this one out, frankly it's incomprehensible. Discussing it with friends afterwards, we literally had no idea what Revolver was about. It doesn't help that most of the dialogue is utter bollocks... Jake can't emit a sentence without it being some kind of sagely riddle, and Avi comes a close second. Man, it becomes tiresome real quick! Then there's the endless - and I really do mean endless - voiceovers by both Jake and Macha as their internal monologues repeatedly spew forth. Will you both just shut the f*** up! It's a shame, because usually I enjoy watching Statham - he's never been a great actor, but he's always good value doing macho roles in the likes of The Transporter. Sadly here he's totally out of his depth, and with his scruffy facial hair he looks like a hobo who's lucked in with a smart suit. Liotta is no better, hamming it up in his 'banana hammock' for all he's worth. The only actor to escape with any dignity at all is The Long Firm's Mark Strong who's lone, troubled killer Sorter is infinitely more complex than any of the other characters in the film; it's no surprise that the only two decent scenes in the entire film both involve him - the inventive shoot-out in a restaurant as Macha is pinned under a table, being shot at by a waitress, and later when Sorter turns against Macha's fellow band of hitmen. Those all-too-brief scenes remind us that Ritchie can direct with a bit of flair. But two good scenes in a two hour movie is no compensation for the sorry mess that surrounds them. Ritchie seems to think he's making a classic that mixes the best bits of The Usual Suspects, Goodfellas and Fight Club, but he's sadly deluded, the result is so pretentious with it's repeated fade to title cards and overly-portentious classical score. He even apes Tarantino's Kill Bill by throwing in a dollop of animation, but it's so random and pointless you're just left wondering why he bothered at all. And as for that ending, well, the screen goes black, the music continues and, erm, that's it. Everyone in the audience looks at one another, baffled, and then sniggering breaks out. Well, I suppose at least the crew involved don't have the shame of seeing their names on screen attached to this piece of excrement. Even now, one week later, the mere mention of Revolver makes me shudder. It's hard to convey the sheer awfulness of this movie without you having to judge it for yourself - but I strongly advise you against it; that's two hours of your life you'll never get back. Honestly, it's ten times worse than Stealth, and I didn't think that would be humanly possible. If this was the work of a bunch of amateurs with limited resources it would be bad enough, the fact that it comes from an established director is a quite astonishing piece of career suicide. In summary then: Shit.

soulmining rating: *