Movie Haiku - Cursed

www.miramax.com/cursed

Dir: Wes Craven

Cast: Christina Ricci, Joshua Jackson, Jesse Eisenberg, Shannon Elizabeth

Werewolves by Scream team
film so bad they made it twice
dreadfully funny

It's worth remembering here that Wes Craven was the man who gave us A Nightmare On Elm Street and introduced us to Freddy Kreuger, a horror icon who's caused sleepless nights for many impressionable teenagers. His latest film is Cursed, written by Kevin Williamson who also wrote his last big box office hit, Scream. Sadly the resulting movie lacks any of the terror of the former film, and lacks any of the post-modern humour of the latter. To say this is a bad movie is an insult to bad movies. This shoddy, misguided affair defines a whole new level of badness. The plot follows Ellie (Ricci) and brother Jimmy (Eisenberg) after they're attacked by a wolf following a car accident on Mulholland Drive. Have they been bitten by a werewolf? And who's responsible for the death of a number of young women in the area? And more importantly, with such an unappealing cast and cliched script, do you really care? Apparently 90% of the film had to be reshot, and then Miramax insisted the resulting product be re-cut down to a PG-13 rating. It shows. The story is so uneven, with scenes of (supposed) suspense jarring alongside scenes of high camp. Certain scenes - like those with Shannon Elizabeth - seem to come from a whole different movie altogether. Craven seems to have forgotten how to scare audiences and just uses the "character-walks-into-shot" jolt far too many times; on this evidence he'll be making direct-to-video trash for the rest of his career. As for the creature make-up and special effects, well they really are laughable and pathetically poor, the infected dog notably coming across more like an angry Garfield than a savage flesh-ripping beast. There is one saving grace however - the movie is not boring, and if I'm being totally honest I quite enjoyed it - but for all the wrong reasons. If you want a comedy masterclass in how not to make a scary movie, then this is the one - it really is the Showgirls of the horror genre. It really does beg the question: with a movie this shit, just how bad was the first version? Now that is a scary thought...

soulmining rating *

Movie Haiku - The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy

www.thefilmfactory.co.uk/hitchhikers

Dir: Garth Jennings

Cast: Martin Freeman, Sam Rockwell, Mos Def, Zooey Deschanel

They travel through space
Earth destroyed by Vogon fleet
don't panic, it's fine

The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy has this to say about IT support: "Don't rely on them to fix the problems with your computer or you'll be waiting a very long time indeed." The Guide also has this to say about drinking alcohol: "Whilst drinking a mixture of beer, Jim Beam, red wine and Hungarian sherry on a Saturday evening might seem like a fun and clever thing to do, be warned that you will experience a planet-sized hangover the following day." If only I'd read that piece of advice before attending a sneak preview of the new Hitchhiker's movie on Sunday morning. Still, planet-sized hangover aside, I enjoyed it immensely. The story will be all-too familiar to anyone who's either read the book or seen the BBC television series, but basically it follows Arthur Dent (Freeman) as he discovers that a) the Earth is about to be destroyed to make way for an interstellar bypass, and b) his friend Ford Prefect (Def) is actually an alien. They survive by hitching a ride on a Vogon spacecraft and then end up on a ship piloted by Zaphod Beeblebrox (Rockwell) and his girlfriend Trillian (Deschanel) - who Arthur once met at a party. The movie adaptation sticks to the original story pretty well, although veers off on more than one occasion to facilitate a bit of a "character arc" for Arthur and Trillian. Despite these changes you can't fault Douglas Adams' original text and the film is consistently funny throughout. The casting is excellent, with both Freeman and Rockwell the ideal choices for their parts. Deschanel too carries off the role of Trillian perfectly and the relationship between her and Arthur works surprisingly well. Even the supporting cast and voices are superb, with particular credit going to Stephen Fry as the voice of The Guide, and Alan Rickman as Marvin the paranoid android. Director Jennings creates a very British feel to this sci-fi classic - despite some of the American cast - and his animation background serves him well in bringing The Guide to life... and is inspired when visualising Zaphod's spaceship's "Improbability Drive" (the best gag of the film in my opinion). With a script this good they really couldn't screw this one up, and I'm pleased to report that they didn't. I'm off to re-watch the old television series now...

soulmining rating ****

Don't Panic!

So our IT department decided to upgrade our server this weekend. "Don't worry," they said, "It'll all be back up and running perfectly by Sunday afternoon." Yeah, right.

It's now late Thursday afternoon. I can now sell tickets but I can't check my emails. Or, I can check my emails but I can't sell tickets. Or, if I'm really unlucky, I can't sell tickets or check my emails. As for the internet... well I'm on at the moment (obviously) but I could disappear again at any moment. And I can't upload or email any photos / images to my blog however hard I try.

I've got a load of movie reviews waiting in the wings, including a (not-early-any-longer) peek at The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy... watch this space.

Alanis Morissette at Brixton Academy

I spent a very pleasant day in sunny London town yesterday... a leisurely train journey reading Atomised with coffee and a cake... negotiating the city by bus at a fraction of the cost / hassle of the underground... browsing the cheap CD emporiums of Soho... enjoying a delicious freshly cooked pamplona pizza and a pint for a fiver in brb in the heart of Chinatown... bumping into my friend Paul at Comic Showcase and talking movies... and then watching Alanis do her thing at Brixton Academy in the evening. Blissful!

Movie Haiku - The Amityville Horror

www.amityvillehorrormovie.co.uk

Dir: Andrew Douglas

Cast: Ryan Reynolds, Melissa George, Jesse James, Philip Baker Hall

Move to evil house
now they all look like demons
woof-woof, chop-chop, oops!

Remakes of seventies horror films are all the rage right now, with the likes of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Dawn Of The Dead and The Toolbox Murders already released and new versions of The Fog and The Hills Have Eyes currently in production. Now we have a re-telling of The Amityville Horror, based on a true story. The Defeo family lived in this spooky old house until Ronald went mad and killed his entire family as they slept. A year later and a new family, the Lutzes, moved in and again strange things started to happen. How much of the Lutzes' story is true we don't know; did they simply exploit the house's morbid past just to make some money for themselves? The movie just concentrates on the Lutzes account of their supernatural experiences. Like Ronald Defeo before him, George Lutz (Reynolds) is slowly descending into madness and his family appear to him as demons. He also likes chopping firewood with a large axe. These are not good omens. Meanwhile the youngest daughter is also seeing ghosts, notably Jodie, the Defeo's daughter who was slaughtered in her bedroom closet. It's a typically modern family-in-peril horror flick and does a decent job, with director Douglas using a mix of jump-cuts and a surprising amount of gore to heighten the tension. Quite aside from the evil house (which does look very imposing) Ryan Reynolds seems to be possessed by the spirit of Jason Lee in this film; his look, his mannerisms, his acting ability... I have to admit he plays the possessed role very well and is genuinely scary here. Melissa George as Kathy Lutz is also good, making the transition from Aussie soap via Alias very well. Oldest kid Billy (James) also deserves credit for another strong performance after his good work in The Butterfly Effect. If you like this type of film then I'd say it's well worth ninety minutes of your time.

soulmining rating: ***

The Hives at the Dome

The Hives have all the right moves... well, all of the Rolling Stones' moves anyway. They do sound great live but it has to be said that each song is pretty much interchangeable. And the whole between-song spiel to rouse the audience soon begins to tire and sound fake. As for vocalist Howlin' Pelle Almquist, what has he done to his appearance? The short hair... the wispy moustache? I was working in the Production Office backstage and he was lurking outside the door - in full white-suit band attire - and I still didn't recognise him. Of course, that's not the first time I've not recognised a rock star. My most infamous encounter happened at a Radiohead concert in 1997 when I spent the majority of the gig stood next to this short, scruffy looking chap wearing a woolly hat. It wasn't until after the show that one of my colleagues told me who I'd been standing beside. It was Michael Stipe.

Movie Haiku - The Interpreter

www.interpretermovie.com

Dir: Sydney Pollack

Cast: Nicole Kidman, Sean Penn, Catherine Keener, Hugo Speer

Plot to kill leader
She's in danger cos she heard
but has shady past

I haven't got much of an opinion on this movie, it was all a little bland really. It starts well enough with a couple of men getting set up and gunned down in a playground in Africa. But when the action switches to the UN headquarters in New York it all gets a bit formulaic and dull. Kidman plays the titular interpreter who just happens to overhear a plot to assassinate an African leader who's been accused of genocide, and who is coming to the UN to give a speech. Penn is the CIA agent assigned to protect her and, at the same time, make sure nothing happens. Throw in a few revolutionaries, Kidman's rogue brother (Speer) plus her own murky past and you've got yourself a political thriller. Unfortunately it's just not a very thrilling one. The plot is predictable and, aside from a scene with a bomb on a bus, completely devoid of any genuine excitement. Nicole Kidman seems to veer between great performances (see The Others) and abysmal performances (see The Stepford Wives) and sadly this is one of the latter ones. Penn too is poor here, really over-acting his role as the grief stricken agent. In a word - average.

soulmining rating: **

The Mooney Suzuki at Audio

Andy and I blagged our way in to see The Mooney Suzuki last night and they were cool! The band are from NYC and play proper seventies rock 'n' roll... a bit like The Darkness but with better tunes and a (marginally) less embarassing dress sense. They've got a top album out called Alive and Amplified and also provided the music for the movie The School of Rock.

Play It Cool in April

Here's my pick of the top tunes around at the moment. I've been listening to a lot of stuff this past month, in fact so much so that I've still got a couple of CDs which I picked up that I haven't actually got around to playing yet! Anyway, in no particular order, here's the top five discs I've been sticking on my stereo this month:

• New Order - Waiting for the Siren's Call (London)
• The Duke Spirit - Album Sampler (Loog)
• The Bravery - The Bravery (Loog)
• The Subways - Oh Yeah (Infectious) single
• James Blunt - Back to Bedlam (Atlantic)
  

Cat Buckaroo

How to play Cat Buckaroo:

1. Take one sleeping cat
2. Place various (light) household items on top of sleeping cat
3. Take photo of cat before it wakes up

Thanks to Kumquat for this link, it just made me laugh so much...

http://www.ashearer.f2s.com/blog/?p=2

Movie Haiku - Sahara

www.saharamovie.com

Dir: Breck Eisner

Cast: Matthew McConaughey, Steve Zahn, Penelope Cruz, Lennie James

Ship in the desert
toxic waste in the water
Zahn loses hat twice

Sahara attempts to give audiences a modern day Indiana Jones style adventure, based on one of the Dirk Pitt novels from author Clive Cussler. The story begins with Pitt (McConaughey) rescuing doctor Eva (Cruz) from assorted heavies. She and her colleague are investigating a water-based infection and head to Mali in search of the source of the outbreak. Meanwhile Pitt and his friend Al (Zahn) are busy searching for a long lost battleship. When their boat comes under attack they soon realise that Eva is in danger, and so go off on a mission to rescue her. And of course as the film progresses we soon realise that the two plot strands are inevitably connected. This is undoubtedly a fun movie; after a slow opening it cracks along at a fair old pace with a real sense of gusto and enthusiasm. The globetrotting locations evoke shades of Bond, as does the excellent score by Clint Mansell, and the action is well handled - witness the boat chase in the first third of the movie which is one of the most gleeful action scenes I've seen in a very long time. The filmmakers have done an excellent job with their casting here too. McConaughey is perfect in the lead role, with Zahn the ideal comedy sidekick, and even Cruz - who I usually regard as a cold fish - adapts well to her character and gives a good performance. Add in a supporting role for the ever-reliable William H. Macy and you've got yourself an enjoyable film. Paramount could really have themselves a new franchise here.

soulmining rating: ***

captain's blog - in a wooden box

good morning captain have just released a split 7" single with jacobs stories on midmarch records. good morning captain have recorded the track a fire! oh boy! whilst jacobs stories have contributed the track ballerina. the single is limited to a pressing of just 500 copies and each comes in a wooden box with a screenprinted and numbered inlay. in other news, the band have now been confirmed to play at the green man festival in august, but perhaps more importantly, they are now a four-piece band with the recent addition of abi, their new viola player (who also plays live with british sea power). Their website is now properly up and running, complete with downloads, at www.goodmorningcaptain.co.uk

Emiliana Torrini at the Komedia

Emiliana Torrini released her debut collection of songs, Love In The Time Of Science, way back in 1999 and spent the next eighteen months releasing six (count 'em) singles off the album to a reaction of public indifference. Except from me. In January this year she finally released her second album, The Fisherman's Woman, to critical acclaim and has just completed a UK tour. In the intervening years Emiliana has contributed vocals to albums by The Thievery Corporation and Slovo, worked on The Lord of the Rings soundtrack, wrote a song for Kylie... and relocated to Brighton. At last night's gig - the final date of her tour - she was fantastic. Her voice was simply angelic, backed by simple acoustic arrangements, sounding so clear you could almost hear a pin drop in the sold-out Komedia. In between songs she told witty tales in her Icelandic-via-Cockney accent (yes, just like Bjork) and totally charmed the audience. Honestly, this was one of those gigs that truly made me remember why I choose to go and see live music rather than just stay at home listening to the songs on CD. You can check out Emiliana at www.emilianatorrini.com

The new Rooney?

Congratulations to James Vaughan who yesterday became the youngest ever Premiership goal scorer, at the age of 16 years and 271 days, scoring on his debut for Everton in their 4-0 thrashing of Crystal Palace.

photo from www.bbc.co.uk/sport

The Grand National - Hedgehunter romps to victory!

Heh heh, I'm a winner! The results of The Grand National were as follows:

1. Hedgehunter (7-1)
2. Royal Auclair (40-1)
3. Simply Gifted (66-1)
4. It Takes Time (18-1)

So my bet paid out a very profitable sum of £36.25. I thank you!

The Grand National - Feed The Pony's Tips

This afternoon we've got The Grand National taking place at 4:10pm at Aintree. I always do a bit of betting on this horse race, and more often than not have been lucky at selecting winners. So today I'm going to put my reputation on the line and publish my tips for the race. I've just returned from the bookies where I placed bets on the following four horses:

• Hedgehunter 10-1
• Innox 20-1
• Marcus Du Berlais 20-1
• Jakari 40-1

I have a £2.50 Each Way bet on each horse, so that's a total stake of £20. I'll let you know how got on later this afternoon... will I be a winner or sinner?

More Cool Blogs!

I've added a few new blogs to my "cool blogs" list this week - you can access any of these from the list on the bottom left of the sidebar.

Brighton Wok
www.brighton-wok.com
www.brighton-wok.com/blog/blog.htm

Brighton Wok: The Legend of Ganja Boxing is an independent feature film currently being shot here in the city, promising love, revenge... and ninjas! The website now includes a new trailer for the movie, plus photo galleries and a link to Brighton Wok - Blogged! which is their new blog updating the daily struggle of making a low-budget film...

Lucky Cracker's World of Celebrity
www.luckycrackers.blogspot.com

One of the best blogs on the web for cutting over-inflated celebrity egos down to size with some witty, bitchy comments.

Good Looking Foto Blog
www.gatasdoflog.blogspot.com

This has become rather popular with the gentlemen in our office since the "next blog" button revealed its charms. Yes, we can't understand a word of it as it's all in Portuguese, but the photos of young Brazilian ladies are (unsurprisingly) a big hit... and you can link to all their fotoblogs too, if you so desire.

Movie Haiku - Be Cool

www.becoolmovie.com

Dir: F. Gary Gray

Cast: John Travolta, Uma Thurman, Vince Vaughan, Christina Milian

He wants her contract
she owns record label
yes they dance again

Get Shorty was one of those films that thought it was a lot smarter than it actually was. Sadly the sequel, Be Cool, makes exactly the same mistake. This time around Chili Palmer (Travolta) moves his attention from the movie business to the music business, and soon gets involved with a singer (Milian) who he wants to manage. This leads to all sorts of trouble as she's already got a manager (Vaughan) and contracted to a record label (run by the horribly miscast Harvey Keitel). Factor in the Russian mafia, various rap moguls and bodyguards with an all-star cast and you've got a great comedy caper, right? Wrong. It's a case of all casting, no script as the movie plods slowly from one set-up to the next... jeez, does this film drag its heels! The idea of a nobody singer suddenly being picked up and singing on stage with Aerosmith after (apparently) one meeting is frankly ludicrous and a fairytale at best. The cast don't do the film any favours either. Travolta is bearable, and Uma Thurman looks good, but their relationship on screen just doesn't work, and as for that dancing scene - a nod to Pulp Fiction - it is simply excrutiating to watch. Vaughan is simply horrible, and the less said about Keitel's little "rap" the better, quite frankly. The only person to escape with any dignity intact is - surprisingly - The Rock, who is consistently witty throughout, lampooning his macho background.

soulmining rating: **

Movie Haiku - The Ring Two

www.ring2-themovie.com

Dir: Hideo Nakata

Cast: Naomi Watts, David Dorfman, Simon Baker, Sissy Spacek

They copied the tape
ghost wants to possess her son
doesn't like water


The original Ring story has already spawned a couple of sequels. Spiral was the rather disappointing adaptation of the novel's sequel, whilst director Nakata filmed his own sequel continuing the story directly on from the events in the first movie, bringing in peripheral characters from that first film and bravely killing off one of the principal cast early on. Needless to say the Hollywood sequel treads a more familiar, safer path this time. Rather than remake his own sequel, Nakata takes this version into possession territory as the cursed videotape theme is quickly discarded in favour of a hokey plot involving Samara's ghost attempting to possess Rachel's son (Dorfman). Unfortunately this takes the impetus away from the terror of the first film and into more lazy, predictable storytelling. There's just no genuine atmosphere this time around, and any shocks are telegraphed well before they jump out onto the screen. Naomi Watts is okay reprising her role as Rachel but is acting on auto-pilot here, and there's little to recommend from the supporting cast. Ultimately The Ring Two is a huge disappointment, simply another sequel which adds nothing to the original film.

soulmining rating: **

Asian Dub Foundation at the Corn Exchange

photo by Matt Andrew

I'm having endless problems posting via Hello, so am now trying out Buzzbot. Here's a photo from last week's ADF gig - thanks to Vicky, Ed, Chloe, Troy, Rom, Lucy & Shelley for making it a great night out.

Hello Goodbye

Sorry for the lack of posts these last few days. I am having a nightmare with the Hello program at the moment and can't upload any pictures to my blog.

Normal service will be resumed shortly - I hope.

Marketing Truths

What is Marketing?

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!" That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's very rich. Marry him." That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me." That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and compliment her hair. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm very rich "Will you marry me?" That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich..." That's Brand Recognition.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm rich. Marry me." She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. That's Customer Feedback.

(With thanks to Constance)

The End of an ER-a

Talking of people quitting television series, news reached me yesterday that Noah Wyle (who plays Dr Carter) has finally decided to leave ER after eleven series. He's the only surviving original cast member, so it's a pity - but I suppose inevitable - that he's decided to move on. Apparently he is contracted to appear in four episodes of the next two series, so I guess they're not gonna kill off his character altogether. Now I've been watching ER since it began, and whilst it's not quite as good as it used to be, it's still better than a lot of drama on television - but I have to wonder, who are the producers gonna bring in now to fill the massive void that Noah Wyle's departure is gonna leave? Hey, I think Christopher Eccleston has some free time coming up...

April Live

April looks like being another busy month on the live circuit with another batch of top quality gigs and shows to tempt me and keep my diary full. This month's highlights should include:

07/04 - Good Morning Captain and Jacob's Stories celebrate the release of their joint single release (on Midmarch Records) with a co-headlining bash at Sussex Arts Club.

11/04 - I shall be checking out half-Icelandic, half-Italian singer Emiliana Torrini (she sung Gollum's Song in The Two Towers and also wrote Kylie's Slow) at the Komedia. Idlewild are also playing that night at the Corn Exchange (a change of venue from The Dome).

13/04 - Not too sure about Willy Mason after being a little underwhelmed by his Oxygen single, but he's supposed to be good live and he's playing at the Concorde.

15/04 - Hoping to see The Mooney Suzuki at Audio; they supported Kings of Leon at The Dome last year and were a highly entertaining mix of glam rock 'n' roll.

16/04 - Gig of the month? Yes, it's The Hives at the Dome who should put on a great live show. John Spencer Blues Explosion are supporting, as if you needed another reason to get a ticket.

21/04 - I'm going up to London for a change of scenery, this time to check out Alanis Morissette at Brixton Academy.

23/04 - James Blunt is playing at the Concorde; I'm looking forward to hearing more of his songs after hearing his debut single recently.

25/04 - The Kaiser Chiefs gig at the Concorde is probably the hottest ticket this month. I predict a riot... indeed.

27/04 - I don't know much about Irish singer-songwriter Paddy Casey who's appearing at the Komedia that night, but support comes from Nerina Pallot whose debut album a few years back was really fine, with a kinda Tori Amos vibe about it. Worth checking out then.

29/04 - Last Summer we had Kasabian playing at the Zap Club... one year on and they've sold out the Brighton Centre.

Who is The Doctor?

So there I was applauding Christopher Eccleston for his performance in Doctor Who at the weekend, and what happens? He bloody quits! After the success of the first episode, the BBC confirmed earlier this week that they would be commissioning a second series and a Christmas special, but then yesterday comes the shock news that Eccleston won't be returning - he doesn't want to get "typecast" apparently. Whether they reshoot the end of the final episode for this series, or whether Eccleston will return for the Christmas special in order to film his regeneration scene remains unclear. Apparently the BBC are now in regotiations with David Tennant (from BBC Three's Casanova) to take over the role of The Doctor. (Sighs...)