Movie Haiku - The Sea Inside & Hide and Seek

The Sea Inside
Dir: Alejandro Amenabar
Cast: Javier Bardem, Belen Rueda, Lola Duenas

Paralysed in bed
man needs friends to help him die
Bardem looks so old

This has just won the Oscar for Best Foreign Language Film this year. It didn't sound like the most exciting of subjects, being based on the true story of a man who is fighting to commit suicide, but I figured it'd probably be one of those dramas that really draws you in and engages you, complemented by some terrific acting. Well, let's just say I did that rare thing (for me at least) and walked out of the screening with forty minutes of the movie still to go. It's not that it was that bad, just an incredibly slow, boring film... and with it being a true story I kinda knew the outcome without having to stay and watch to the end. Honestly, I've had more fun watching paint dry. However, what does lift this film above a one star rating is Javier Bardem's fine performance - he is amazing and was really unfortunate not to get an Oscar nomination for his work here. The make-up too is faultless - you'd never know there was a thirty-six year old actor underneath it all! Great performance, but a really dull film I'm afraid.

soulmining rating: **

Hide and Seek
Dir: John Polson
Cast: Robert De Niro, Dakota Fanning, Famke Jannsen, Elisabeth Shue

Wife dies in bath tub
girl has invisible friend
I knew it was him

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. I don't hold out much hope for the next film that I see as these stinkers always seem to come along in threes. Okay, I'm just gonna come straight out with it - it was De Niro all along. There, I've said it. Look, I'm sorry if I've spoiled the film for you now but really I'm doing you a favour here. This is the lamest thriller I've seen in ages. I should have known better really, what with De Niro - this generation's most overrated actor - taking the lead role. Honestly, as soon as he starts having nightmares / flashbacks fifteen minutes into the film you just know that there's something up with him. If you don't see the big "twist" coming then you either: a) have never watched a thriller before; or b) are stupid. I wish I could say that it's one of those films that's "so bad that it's good" - but no, it's just so bad that it's really really bad. Only Dakota Fanning comes out of the experience without looking too foolish, but then she is only eleven years old so she probably doesn't know any better. Hide and Seek? No, just hide this piece of sh*t and leave it to rot in peace.

soulmining rating: *