Movie Haiku - Elizabethtown

www.uk.yahoo.com/elizabethtown


Dir: Cameron Crowe


Cast: Orlando Bloom, Kirsten Dunst, Susan Sarandon, Alec Baldwin


They meet on a plane

she gives him route and cool tunes

for trip with dead dad


I like Cameron Crowe films. Even Vanilla Sky. And Almost Famous is probably one of my top ten favourite films of all time. So the lukewarm reviews which have met Elizabethtown have had me worried, especially Vic who simply summed it up by saying "don't bother" after seeing it earlier in the week. The film is all about Drew (Bloom), a shoe designer whose latest creation is branded a fiasco (for reasons never quite made clear) costing the company millions of dollars. He's already suicidal when he receives news that his father has died back in his hometown of Elizabethtown, so he flies out to handle the funeral arrangements and deal with family members who he hasn't seen in years. On the flight he's befriended by a stewardess Claire (Dunst) who gives him her number, and over the next few days she helps him to find himself again and deal with his feelings towards his dad. This is director Crowe's most personal film and focuses solely on relationships and family, utilising his talent for great characterisation and emotional weight to the full here. The rapport between Drew and Claire is pivotal here, but they make an engaging couple. Bloom - who I've never considered to be a great actor - is actually fine here, which is just as well as his character is in nearly every scene, although to be fair most of his acting has to do with reacting to situations around him and letting things happen. But he does it well. Dunst, who I've always liked going way back to Small Soldiers, excels in another girl-next-door role, although the more cynical amongst you might question her motives (she plans this whole road trip for him and compiles dozens of CDs too... erm, why?), she really is every male's fantasy here - a girl who is everything that Drew needs while he is at his lowest ebb. I just adored their relationship and their scenes are romantic and sweet without ever being too saccharine - talking on their mobiles all night, watching the day break together, parting at the gas station, all handled brilliantly. And even Drew's grief when he finally acknowledges his father's passing isn't dwelt upon as lesser filmmakers would have done. Sure, there are flaws, with Crowe neglecting to follow up a number of plot strands concerning supporting characters including Drew's boss (Baldwin), soon to be ex-girlfriend (Jessica Biel), his cousin, and unscrupulous uncle, but the drive of the main plot holds the attention so well that you never really question these omissions until after the film has ended. One scene which could have done with some trimming however is the speech by his mother (Sarandon) at the memorial service which is well intentioned but far too long and really slows the film down. Elizabethtown certainly succeeds with another essential soundtrack provided by Crowe's wife, Nancy Wilson, and peppered with songs that capture each moment perfectly. And it's the second time we've heard Freebird in a movie this year (the first was in The Devil's Rejects) and again it's timing is spot on. I can understand some of the criticisms levelled at Elizabethtown but I relished the life-affirming sentiments and relationships within the film and found it a rewarding visit. If you like Cameron Crowe's other work then don't be put off by the poor reviews, give it a chance - I don't think you'll be disappointed.

soulmining rating: ****

Movie Haiku - The Brothers Grimm

www.miramax.com/thebrothersgrimm


Dir: Terry Gilliam


Cast: Matt Damon, Heath Ledger, Peter Stormare, Lena Headey


Terry's latest fight

hacked, dubbed, laughable effects

a grim fairytale


After reading that quote on the DVD sleeve - "It's just cheap and ineffective, slightly entertaining but not nearly enough to be worth the time!" - my expectations for The Brothers Grimm were suitably lowered. It didn't help that the production was hampered by a massive row between the director and the studio, Miramax, which resulted in an extended hitaus in which Gilliam went off to make Tideland. Still, with a reported budget of $83 million behind it, and Terry Gilliam - the man behind Brazil and Twelve Monkeys - at the helm, surely it couldn't be a complete disaster? Oh yes it could. The two brothers Wilhelm (Damon) and Jacob (Ledger) are basically a pair of travelling conmen, writing their folk tales and pretending to protect villages from non-existant threats. Until they're employed by Delatombe (Jonathan Pryce) to rid one village of a very real curse - a Queen (Monica Bellucci) who's trapped in a tower and whose spell leads to the kidnapping of the local children. With accomplice Cavaldi (Stormare) in tow, and enlisting the help of village girl Angelica (Headey) they actually have to face up to the facts that some fairytales really do exist. On paper it's a reasonable concept but on screen it's a sprawling mess, uneven, and badly edited with chunks apparently missing. Okay, so one minute Delatombe has Angelica tied up in the village, the next scene she's in the woods... erm, did I miss something? It wouldn't seem so bad if the characters and dialogue were engaging, but sadly The Brothers Grimm is lacking in those departments too. Whilst Damon (who actually does a good job in the face of adversity) and Ledger both attempt English accents with mixed success, all the other Germans seem to speak in either broad Cockney or Geordie accents! And all the kids seem to be dubbed - badly. Even Stormare, who you can usually rely on to provide a bit of entertainment, is quite awful, with his rambling presence throughout as welcome as fingernails on a blackboard. But this isn't even the worst of it... the film looks shoddy too. Somone must have been siphoning off the coffers because I can't see those millions of dollars on screen. The scenes in the woods are the biggest culprits where it's so obvious that you're watching a film set with illustrated backgrounds. And then there's the not-so-special effects, with some horrendous CGI wolves that even make the hyenas in Exorcist: The Beginning look good, and that takes some doing! Whatever talent Gilliam still has - and I'm sure he does, you don't suddenly become crap overnight - it's just been diluted and washed away by this long battle with Miramax. This is a huge disappointment from a visionary director. The brothers are very grim indeed I'm afraid to say.

soulmining rating: *

DVD Most Wanted

Last night I uncovered an ancient (and slightly mouldy) VHS tape of that lost classic, Hell Comes To Frogtown, in the basement of Gary's video shop. Alas, playing said tape resulted in a snowstorm on screen and now my VCR won't play any more videotapes. Bugger!

If only everything was available on those small, shiny, metal discs... which made me think, what other films or television shows have we been deprived of seeing on DVD here in the UK?

Here's my top ten most wanted:

1. Night Of The Creeps - My best-loved eighties 'B' movie, directed by Fred Dekker. Currently stuck in some kind of contractual hell between Fox and CBS and only available as a bootleg, although it does feature an alternative ending.
2. 15 Storey's High: The Complete Second Series - Hilarious sitcom starring Sean Lock and Benedict Wong. Series one came out on DVD two years ago (distributed by Carlton, even though it's a BBC show...) but there's been no sign of the follow up, and even BBC Three gave it the graveyard slot when it was broadcast.
3. Hardware - Richard Stanley's futuristic British sci-fi shocker with an excellent score from Simon Boswell. I asked Richard about a proper DVD release for this last year and he explained it's another film tied up in endless studio wrangles. There's just an old European 'red' edition release available retitled Mark-13.
4. Exorcist III - William Peter Blatty's sequel to his own novel, Legion, is only available as part of the various box sets of The Exorcist. If both versions of the latest movie can get an individual release then surely it's time for Blatty's original cut to be restored and released as a special edition DVD?
5. Last Night - Don McKellar's 1998 apocalyptic drama starring Sandra Oh, Sarah Polley and David Cronenberg. It got a cinema release over here so why no DVD release?
6. Time Gentlemen Please - Al Murray's ill-fated Sky One sitcom starring Phil Daniels, currently clogging up the schedules on Paramount. This ran for two long series, was extremely purile and built upon repetitive catchphrases, but I loved it all the same. Don't release yet another live Al Murray DVD, shove this out instead!
7. Citizen Dog - Wisit Sasanatieng's colourful follow-up to Tears Of The Black Tiger. Already available on Thai DVD but without English subtitles. Bastards!
8. Highway To Hell - Ate de Jong's DTV classic starring Patrick Bergin (!) and Ben Stiller before he was famous, and written by Brian Helgeland before he did L.A. Confidential. I was probably the only person to ever see this film at the cinema (Wareham, Dorset, 1992).
9. The Kingdom 2 - Lars Von Trier's very odd second series of his weird monochrome hospital drama that Stephen King later bastardised as Kingdom Hospital. The first series has been available here for ages, and the second series was screened on BBC Two, but there's no sign of a DVD release yet. Still, the recent R1 release of series one - with director's commentary - gives me hope!
10. Buppah Rahtree / Rahtree Returns - Yuthlert Sippapak's double-bill of ghostly Thai madness. Both available on Thai DVD but (again!) no English subtitles. Momentum were supposed to have picked up the first film - which was screened at last year's FrightFest event - for release in the UK, but it's yet to surface.
    

Google Image Meme

I've just seen this on Kelly's and Adam's blogs so thought I'd have a go as well. It works like this - log onto Google, then do an image search using the following terms and post your favourite picture from the first page of results. So this is what I found...

The town that you grew up in...
The place where you currently live...

Your name...
Your grandmother's name...

Your favourite food...
Your favourite drink...

















Your favourite smell...
Your favourite song...

The Brothers Grim

Mike bought a copy of The Brothers Grimm on DVD when he was in Hong Kong recently. Just take a closer look at the hilarious press quote they've used on the back sleeve... no, not "Sensational! Terrific entertainment!" from the Los Angeles Times, the one on the top left from The Washington Post. In case you can't read it clearly here's the quote in full:

"It's just cheap and ineffective, slightly entertaining but not nearly enough to be worth the time!"

Is that really the second best review they could find?

CineCity 2005

CineCity, Brighton's annual film festival will take place at various venues around the city from 17th November to 4th December this year.

Highlights include the following screenings:

17/11 - Michael Winterbottom's A Cock And Bull Story starring Steve Coogan and Rob Brydon.

20/11 - Nick Broomfield's Biggie And Tupac documentary, with Q&A with producer Michele d'Acosta.

21/11 - Sergio Machado's steamy love-triangle Lower City.

23/11 - Yoji Yamada's samurai drama The Hidden Blade.

26/11 - FrightFest presents Pierre Morel's acrobatic District 13.

26/11 - FrightFest presents Anthony C. Ferrante's shocker Boo!

02/12 - Thomas Clay's controversial The Great Ecstasy Of Robert Carmichael, filmed locally in Newhaven.

03/12 - John Hillcoat's The Propostion, scripted and scored by Hove's very own Nick Cave.

08/12 - George Clooney's Good Night And Good Luck starring David Strathairn and Robert Downey Jr.

Full details on all CineCity events can be found at www.cine-city.co.uk.

4 8 15 16 23 42

Hurley: No, no, no... Stop, stop, you can't do this! Stop! Wait! Stop, you can't do this! Stop it, stop it, we can't! Stop, don't light it! We can't do this... We can't do this! Stop! Wait, you gotta stop it, the numbers are bad! Stop! What are you doing? Why did you do that... Wait, the numbers are bad, the numbers are bad! We can't! The numbers, the numbers...

Yes, I finished watching the first season of Lost last night.

Movie Haiku - Saw II

www.saw2.com


Dir: Darren Lynn Bousman


Cast: Donnie Wahlberg, Shawnee Smith, Tobin Bell, Dina Meyer


My plot for Saw III

make chav viewers wear death masks

if they talk they die


What is it with people talking during movies? Trying to focus amidst the incessant chatter I couldn’t help wondering if there is to be a Saw III then perhaps the screenwriters might consider utilising talkative cinema-goers as the next victims of the Jigsaw Killer. Here in Saw II, our murderous cancer-sufferer (Bell) has assembled another roomful of lowlifes, petty criminals and self-abusers to torture. Amongst these miscreants are young Daniel (Erik Knudsen), son of Detective Eric Matthews (Wahlberg) who is currently on Jigsaw’s trail, and Amanda (Smith) who was the sole survivor of his previous reign of terror. These eight people share something in common, as they’ll soon discover. Meanwhile Jigsaw has been leaving clues for Eric which lead him and his team to his current lair, littered with video monitors trained upon the aforementioned house. Deadly nerve gas is slowly being pumped into the building which will cause the eight hostages to die within two hours unless they can escape. There are syringes containing an antidote hidden around the rooms for each individual, but acquiring them is no easy task – it’s like a deadly edition of The Crystal Maze! Jigsaw is prepared to make a bargain with Eric however; if Eric does exactly what he says for the next two hours then he promises to return Daniel to him unharmed. And so the games begin. Without the element of surprise about Jigsaw's identity, screenwriters Leigh Whannell and Bousman have instead concentrated on the intricacies of his latest game. After the stunning denouement at the end of Saw, we’re expecting a few twists along the way and Saw II certainly delivers these – although I’d argue that one plot twist is obvious very early on if you’re the suspicious type. The other element that has been amped up for the sequel is the nature of the killer’s instruments of torture. The film begins with a slightly different riff on that old favourite of his, the death mask, in an opening scene that had people around me wincing and screeching in disgust. There are a couple of equally unpleasant and distasteful traps awaiting our eight inmates, but I’ll leave you to discover their delights for yourselves – suffice to say if you have any kind of phobia about sharp instruments or needles then this is most definitely not the movie for you. Whilst the ‘eeuwch!’ factor is still present and correct, the uninspiring premise and characters dilute its impact somewhat. The biggest problem with Saw II is its new cast of characters who are barely sketched and merely cyphers for the action. Eric is supposed to be the leading man, someone we can sympathise with, but he’s just an arrogant bully, and it’s also hard to feel for any of the people trapped in the house when they too are all a bunch of scumbags. The fact that one of them, Xavier (Franky G), starts his own personal battle with the others simply exacerbates the situation. With the casting of Donnie Wahlberg, the producers have done themselves no favours in the acting stakes, and the supporting actors are by and large equally poor. The one notable exception is Tobin Bell, who actually gets a chance to embrace his role to the full this time, and rasps away with a gleeful menace as he reveals a bit more about his background. Overall then Saw II is a functional sequel and no more than that. Sure, it’s an hour and a half of fun entertainment but it won’t haunt you in quite the same way that Saw did on first viewing. It has however given me one bright idea – maybe the cinemas could patent Jigsaw’s death masks and insist that all patrons wear these when watching the film. At the first sounds of chatter the traps would close and the auditorium would be silent once more, free from the unwanted comments of those inconsiderate audience members. You’ve got to admit, it would make a great deterrent!

soulmining rating: ***

You can read an expanded version of this review at Eat My Brains here.

Athlete at Brighton Centre

Three hours before showtime I receive an email telling me that I've got tickets for Athlete. Cool. I'm not a big fan, I only really wanted to see Gemma Hayes (below) who is supporting them. But I'm happy to give them a chance... well, their recent songs from the Tourist album must be the reason they're playing a venue as big as the Centre. Wires is head and shoulders above any of their other tunes and Joel actually sings rather than slurs his vocals. I don't mind the new anthemic songs, or the ones where they rock out a little, but the older stuff... well, frankly it's rubbish. Oh well, the bar is still open.

Gemma Hayes at Brighton Centre

Gemma Hayes walks onstage and the lads standing next to me immediately shout out, "Get your top off!" W*nkers. It made me think, do they behave like this every time they see a pretty lady going about her job? Do they holler these same words to the waitresses in Starbucks or the cashiers on the tills in Sainsburys? I doubt it. W*nkers. It's great to see Gemma back on the live circuit again after a two year absence. Mixing songs from her debut album and her latest release The Roads Don't Love You (out this week) she played for about 40 minutes and really won the crowd over. Let's hope she returns to Brighton soon on a headline tour.

November Live

Okay, it's the start of a band new month, so here's some things that are happening around the city in November...

02/11 - Chart-friendly singer-songwriter Lucie Silvas is playing at the Dome. If you would like FREE tickets to this show then please email me - this is a genuine offer.

03/11 - Hard Fi are performing at the Concorde. I quite like their singles but don't know that they inspire me enough to go and check out their live show.

10/11 - I've been a fan of New Order for around twenty years now, yet have never managed to see them live in concert - until now. I've got tickets for their London date at Brixton Academy, so can't wait to see them. Actually, I still have one spare standing ticket, so if anyone needs a ticket then please get in contact with me via email.

15/11 - I'm due to be working on the Martha Wainwright show at the Corn Exchange which should be exciting as I missed her show at the Komedia earlier this year. Meanwhile over at the Brighton Centre there's Franz Ferdinand who've come a long way since they last played in Brighton at the Concorde back in 2004.

17/11 - The last time I saw former Skunk Anansie singer Skin play at the Concorde I was absolutely wasted, but my friends tell me she put on a good show. Now I get another chance to see her - and new single Alone In My Room bodes well.

18/11 - The League Of Gentlemen bring their demented pantomine to the local people of Brighton for two nights at the Brighton Centre. I'm trying to get hold of some tickets for the show as I type this...

20/11 - A potentially good double-bill at the Concorde with Sons + Daughters and Clor performing live. Don't know too much about either band, but their recent singles have been pretty good.

24/11 - I last saw Astrid Williamson play at the Sanctuary on my birthday a few years back. She's got a new album due for release in early 2006, so this gig at the Komedia should showcase some of her new songs.

26/11 - A quick plug for the FrightFest evening at the Duke of York's cinema as part of this year's Cine-City festival - the guys are going to be screening previews of Boo! and District 13. Hope to see you there!

29/11 - The Prodigy are back at the Brighton Centre to promote their recent greatest hits album. I remember seeing them at the Centre when they were touring The Fat Of The Land... in fact that would have been eight years ago when I was still working there, jeez how time flies!

30/11 - What with the McGarrigle sisters playing here last weekend and Martha playing on the 15th, it's a bit of a family affair for the Wainwright clan this month. Now it's the turn of Rufus Wainwright, returning to the Dome after last Autumn's sold out show. This one's a sell out too - November's hottest ticket.

Right that's you lot for this month. Looking ahead to 2006 tickets are already on sale for The Go! Team at the Corn Exchange in February, and I'm also hearing rumours about future shows by Primal Scream, The Mighty Boosh and cult author Chuck Palahniuk (Fight Club)... so watch this space!

Happy Halloween

Take this as a warning - this is what happens when you eat too much candy whilst you're out trick or treating! (Thanks Bev)

For more amusing pumpkin photos, including the magnificent gunshot pumpkin-head, check out www.extremepumpkins.com

Have a happy halloween!

Horrifying Halloween

If you're looking for a treat this Halloween then look no further than the amazing new Phantasm DVD box set, released today by Anchor Bay.

I spent the weekend wading through all four films and the host of extras (check out my original post on the set here) and it doesn't disappoint - the documentary is a particular highlight, with a running time of over 90 minutes!

Eat My Brains have just posted reviews for the complete set, and I have contributed the reviews for the latter two installments.

Read my review for Phantasm III: Lord Of The Dead here.

Read my review for Phantasm IV: Oblivion here.

The Dandy Warhols at the Hammersmith Palais

Hey, I love The Dandy Warhols, they're one of my favourite bands on the planet. They always put on a good live show, and this latest one was no exception - a diverse mix of old and new songs, finishing with a cover of Hell's Bells after ninety minutes (no encore, apart from Zia staying behind to sing Daisy once again). Not so much banter with the crowd this time around, but a great show nonetheless.

This was actually the first time I've been to a gig at the Hammersmith Palais and I was really impressed with the layout, it's definitely one of the better venues in London. Support came from Norwegian noise-merchants Serena-Maneesh who impressed me enough to go and buy their self-titled CD straight after the show. They've had so many musicians work on their album I've no idea which members were actually playing on stage, but having listened to the CD a few times now, I think their music works better live - with shared male / female vocals, a tall willowy, chain-smoking bass player, and raucous guitar squalls which evoked the glory days of My Bloody Valentine and Curve. www.serena-maneesh.com

El Presidente at HMV, Oxford Street

Indie hopefuls El Presidente were doing an instore appearance at Oxford Street's HMV store when I wandered in there on Wednesday evening. They played four acoustic songs including current single Rocket. I can't say I was terribly impressed, but their Sinaporean drummer, Dawn, is cool.

Movie Haiku - Into The Blue

www.foxinternational.com/ww/into-the-blue


Dir: John Stockwell


Cast: Paul Walker, Jessica Alba, Scott Caan, Ashley Scott


They dive for treasure

she wears small tight bikini

a two hour wet dream


Jessica Alba in a bikini. That seems to be the principal selling point behind Into The Blue, an old-fashioned crime caper movie which conveniently happens to have a water-based setting, thereby ensuring that its principal cast wear as few clothes as are strictly necessary. Let's be fair, it's not just Jessica's toned figure on display here; the camera takes every opportunity to show off the equally-lovely curves of Ashley Scott, and for the ladies in the audience there's Paul Walker - who spends so much time bare-chested you have to question whether his wardrobe contains any shirts at all. If you're expecting a high-brow, intelligent film then you may as well stop reading now! It's a well-worn but effective plot: Jared (Walker) is a diver who dreams of finding a shipwreck with a long lost bounty of treasure. When out diving with his girlfriend Sam (Alba), lawyer brother Bryce (Caan) and his latest squeeze Amanda (Scott) they actually do stumble across an old wreck, but need to prove its identity before they can lay claim to their findings. At the same time they also uncover a crashed plane which is packed full of cocaine - what are the chances, eh? Jared insists they can't touch the drugs as someone's bound to be looking for them, but of course things get complicated when Bryce and Amanda decide to take matters into their own hands. Factor in the local law enforcement officer, a fellow dive operator (Josh Brolin, looking uncannily like 80's-era Kurt Russell), an English drug lord, and a number of killer sharks and you've got yourself a film. Into The Blue is certainly not breaking any new ground, but it's a well-crafted film which avoids too many of the usual cliches of the genre. Journeyman director Stockwell (who also directed the water-based Blue Crush) does his best work here, shooting many impressive underwater scenes, and relying on very few visual effects. What also helps is the fact that it's not primarily aimed at a young teenage audience - it's a 15 certificate in the UK - and there are one or two quite unpleasant shocks in store. I was also pleased to see Stockwell eschew the expected rock soundtrack in favour of a few carefully chosen upbeat pop songs and incidental music, a wise decision indeed. Admittedly the acting is poor, especially from Walker and Alba, but then one imagines they were employed as eye candy than for their acting abilities. That said, it really doesn't detract from the enjoyment of this shallow, fun piece of entertainment - this is pure escapism and it knows it. Hey, there's even a really glaring continuity error to amuse - just keep an eye on the lady walking behind Bryce as Jared meets him at the airport! And once all the loose ends have all been tied up at the close of the film you get to watch more footage of Jessica Alba in her bikini as the end credits roll. Without a doubt in my mind, Into The Blue is cinema's guiltiest pleasure in 2005.

soulmining rating: ****

Movie Haiku - Corpse Bride

www.corpsebridemovie.co.uk


Dir: Tim Burton


Voices: Johnny Depp, Helena Bonham Carter, Emily Watson, Tracey Ullman


Should marry nice girl

not dead girl with wonky eye

and talking maggot


A long hard day at work, followed by a mad dash to Crawley in the driving rain and only ten minutes to gobble down a quick takeaway is not the best preparation for seeing a movie. Ten minutes into Corpse Bride and I was sparked out. So don't expect a highly incisive review, I was drifitng in and out of sleep on this one - what a true professional I am sometimes! Corpse Bride is the story of Victor (Depp), a polite, considerate young chap who's due to marry Victoria (Watson), in an arrangement dictated by their parents. Thankfully the couple like one another instantly (which must have come as a huge relief), alas disaster strikes when Victor is alone in the woods practising his vows and he accidentally finds himself betrothed to the Corpse Bride (Bonham Carter) after mistaking her dead fingers for a twig, like you do... oh, and she was murdered by her ex-fiancee and now has a loose eyeball with a maggot living in its socket - yes, she's quite a gal. Despite his feelings for Victoria, his sense of duty compells him to go through with the wedding to his new dead lady friend, whilst meanwhile back in the land of the living Victoria's folks have now lined her up to marry the roly-poly rogue Barkis (Richard E. Grant) who just happens to bear an uncanny resemblence to the Corpse Bride's killer. Who ever said that the path of true love ran smooth? Tim Burton's previous animated feature was The Nightmare Before Christmas (actually directed by Henry Selick), a delightful dark fairytale that appealed to adults as much as it did children. Corpse Bride follows a similar template, but is not quite as slick as its predecessor. The main characters are all likeable - Burton makes you feel for both Victoria and the Corpse Bride, thereby illustrating Victor's tough predicament - and they're ably brought to life by some great vocal talent. Other characters are colourful and distinctive, with the skeletons making me laugh, especially the one who literally has a 'jaw-dropping' moment, but the talking maggot is tiresome and looks like he's crawled out of a whole other Disney film. Danny Elfman again provides the songs and music, but except for the wedding singalong towards the end they're not as witty or as memorable as in The Nightmare Before Christmas; they just don't integrate seamlessly into the plot so well this time. Corpse Bride then - worth dating, but just don't plan on getting hitched.

soulmining rating: ***

Unintentionally hilarious websites

Thanks to Stevie B who sent me these genuine website addresses. Just what were these people thinking when they registered the following domain names?

Firstly there is Who Represents?, a database for agencies to the rich and famous:
www.whorepresents.com

Second is the Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views:
www.expertsexchange.com

Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island:
www.penisland.net

Need a therapist? Try:
www.therapistfinder.com

Finally we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:
www.molestationnursery.com

Dome Rangers 0 - 3 Brighton Centre XI

The Dome Rangers played the Brighton Centre XI at Preston Park yesterday afternoon, keen to avenge their 3-1 defeat in March this year. With a slightly reshuffled starting eleven and a full quota of willing substitutes, Rangers started brightly with Mike Hovey and Williams - a late replacement for the sidelined Plucknett - combining well on the left to put Centre under pressure. It was Centre however who had the first attempt on goal after seven minutes, but Rangers responded immediately with a chance as Bollard went through on goal, only to be denied by a decisive tackle as he lined up his shot. Mike Hovey then had arguably Rangers' best chance of the half, blasting the ball just over the bar with the keeper beaten. Midway through the first half Centre stepped up a gear and really started to put the Rangers' defence under some concerted pressure, but they stood firm under the command of captain Marks, his lone voice incessantly barking out orders to his team-mates. With Stockman and Bollard replacing Rogers and Robinson up front Rangers seemed to have a greater purpose in front of goal and went back on the offensive, with some good support play from Acheampong. The match seemed headed for a goalless draw at half time until Cotton made a howler, tapping a harmless cross into his own net in the last minute of the half.

The late goal clearly dented Rangers' confidence and they went two goals behind immediately at the start of the second half after conceding a free kick on the edge of the area. The resultant shot bent around the wall and nestled comfortably in the left hand corner of the net. After a resilient first half defensive display which restricted Centre to mainly long shots on goal, the opposition were finally making inroads into Rangers' back four, and giving McAdam a torrid time with attack after attack down the left hand side. However, with Kirchin and McSorley now commanding the midfield, Rangers had their chances too, with Cotton crossing a ball to Stockman in the box which the goalie cleared, and then Acheampong and Stockman combining well to win a corner. In the 52nd minute Centre's keeper spilled a hopeful shot which fell nicely for Kirchen, who gladly ran onto the loose ball and stabbed it home - only for his goal to be controversially disallowed for offside by Centre's nominated linesman. The killer blow came in the 67th minute when Centre again broke into the box and shot past Lewis after a pass from the right. Rangers looked for a late consolation goal and came closest to scoring when Mike Hovey dinked a ball from the left to the far post which McSorley should have knocked into the back of the net. In the last fifteen minutes Rangers started to tire and Centre were only prevented from extending their lead further by some fine saves from Lewis. There was one final scoring opportunity for Rangers in the closing minutes as Stockman ran free into the penalty area, but Kirchen was unable to feed the ball to him. So it finished 3-0 to Centre at the final whistle which was another disappointing result for Rangers. Still, the team should take heart from their valiant performance, with the players keeping possession well and getting upfield a lot more than they did during the same fixture back in March. Maybe next time, eh lads?

Photo by Andy Parke

Dome Rangers Team:

• GKP Lewis
• DEF Williams (Jouandies H/T, Williams 51)
• DEF McSorley (McAdam 25, Bollard 80)
• DEF Cotton
• DEF Marks (Kirchen 35)
• MID Acheampong (Krawczyk 21, Marks H/T)
• MID A. Hovey (Jouanides 15, A. Hovey 29, McSorley H/T)
• MID Kirchen (Acheampong 31, M. Hovey 62)
• MID M. Hovey (Rogers H/T)
• STR Bollard (Robinson 10, Bollard 38, Krawczyk 65)
• STR Rogers (Stockman 29)

Corners: Dome 2 / Centre 1

Fouls: Dome 4 / Centre 1

Offside: Dome 1 / Centre 1

Shots on target: Dome 2 / Centre 12

Shots off target: Dome 1 / Centre 5

Bookings: Dome 0 / Centre 0

Referee: Mr J. Pearce

Linesman: Mr D. Plucknett

Man of the Match: M. Hovey

Notes from a Comedy Festival (Part 4)

Day 13 - Wednesday

There's a good buzz from colleagues about Dave Spikey's show last night. Wish I'd made the effort to go and see him now. Working on the two Pav shows - first Howard Read and then Alun Cochrane. Alun seems a really nice chap and I'm tempted to stick my head in and catch the end of his performance, but I chicken out - I hate walking into shows late. (Doesn't seem to bother our customers however...)

Day 14 - Thursday

I begin my campaign to fill seats for tomorrow night's performance by John Oliver & Andy Zaltzman which is currently struggling for ticket sales. I manage to get eight definites before the end of the working day; it's a good start. I work on Ardal O'Hanlon's show in the Dome. He annoys me as he's the only act in the festival to have a support (Lucy Porter) which means I finish half an hour later than anticipated and am therefore late in getting down to the Concorde to see Fozzy. On the plus side, I do get the chance to chat to Emiliana Torrini when she collects her tickets.

Day 15 - Friday

I have the night off. I'm tempted by Daniel Kitson hosting Best of the Fest but stick to my original plan and see John Oliver & Andy Zaltman in the Pav with a group of friends. We've managed to get the audience up to about 70 now, so it's not a complete disaster. It's a shame there's not more people though as John & Andy are a great double act and their political satire is very sharp. Their delivery is shambolic in places, but this only adds to the humour - especially when John leaves Andy floundering and takes a seat on the front row, refusing to help. In addition we get a talking mini-Tony Benn, John's embarassing charades, and an adventure game in which the audience play the role of England voyaging into the single European currency. After a quick pint it's round to the Corn Exchange to catch Stewart Lee who I haven't seen live since the days of Lee & Herring. Stewart's show is lean and assured, with the whole routine delivered in a very soft, measured tone. This is edgy humour as Stew takes on religion in reaction to the accusations of blasphemy that have come his way since he co-wrote and directed Jerry Springer - The Opera. "I vomited into the gaping anus of Christ," is a line that certainly won't appease his critics anytime soon. On a lighter note, he did pick up on the fact that our side of the audience was appreciating his jokes a little more than the other side, so ended up picking on them (as Team F) which he then incorporated into his material. Stew was in the pub after the show along with Danny Bhoy who my flatmate recommended after catching his Best of the Fest appearance. Apparently Kitson was heckled the moment he walked onstage, so his first words were, "I appear to have walked into a room full of c***s!" Priceless. We get slightly drunk and continue to drink back at the flat until nearly 4am.

Day 16 - Saturday

The final day! Feeling nice and hungover after last night's exploits. Jimmy Carr is doing two sold out shows in the Dome and wanders into the office during the afternoon looking slightly bewildered. I work on both of his shows and all goes smoothly, despite the quick turnaround - although we do have one twat from the press who walks off in a strop as he's not on the guest list. There is some drama outside the venue however, as a taxi clips a skateboarder, and the skateboarder retaliates by throwing his skateboard through the back window of the taxi - and is then beaten up by a bloke who comes running out of the pub opposite. The police are called and before you know it there's two police vans and four police cars blocking the road outside. In between Jimmy's shows I have enough time to nip into the Corn Exchange to catch Danny Bhoy. His banter about the difference between the Scots and the rest of the world is funny and refreshing after all the political humour this festival. When the curtain comes down on the last performance it's time to head round to the Pav for the end-of-festival party. More boozing required and a very pleasant way to close this year's most successful event. Right, they're showing some of the highlights on Paramount as I type this, so I'm off to watch that now...