Thursday, January 29, 2009

Closed For Business

As you will have no doubt have noticed (if anyone still bothers to check this blog) I haven't posted any updates since the end of August. Basically I've got lazy... the blog was taking up too much of my time and I was finding Facebook to be a more user-friendly base for letting friends know what I'd been up to. So, I'm closing it down. The old posts will remain here for reference, but for all current updates please check out my other sites as follows:

My facebook page.

My myspace page.
Chris And Phil Present...
Home of our regular podcasts mixing intelligent film reviews and nonsensical chatter.

Eat My Brains
UK based horror website to which I contribute reviews and features.

Dread Central
US based horror website to which I contribute reviews and features.

UK genre festival website to which I contribute a monthly TV column.

Thank you for all the support over the last five years and goodnight.

Sunday, August 31, 2008

Bad Biology

Dir: Frank Henenlotter

Cast: Charlee Danielson, Anthony Sneed, Tom Kohut, James Glickenhaus

She's got seven clits
he injects his monster cock
they're a perfect match

soulmining rating: ***


Dir: Paddy Breathnach

Cast: Arielle Kebbel, Sarah Carter, Andrew Lee Potts, Martin Compston

Goes into coma
drugs make him possess and kill
far too much strobing

soulmining rating: **

The Strangers

Dir: Bryan Bertino

Cast: Liv Tyler, Scott Speedman, Gemma Ward, Kip Weeks

Alone in the house
the strangers come a knocking
make you jump a lot

soulmining rating: ****

Mum & Dad

Dir: Steven Sheil

Cast: Perry Benson, Dido Miles, Olga Fedori, Ainsley Howard

Heathrow drives them mad
parents abduct immigrants
so dysfunctional

soulmining rating: ****

Trailer Park Of Terror

Dir: Steven Goldman

Cast: Nichole Hiltz, Trace Adkins, Priscilla Barnes, Stefanie Black

Trailer trash zombies
feast on visiting teenies
fry them in hot oil

soulmining rating: ***


Dir: Nacho Vigalondo

Cast: Karra Elejalde, Barbara Goenaga, Nacho Vigalondo, Candela Fernandez

Spies on girl in woods
flees masked man in time machine
needs to change future

soulmining rating: ****

Scar 3D

Dir: Jed Weintrob

Cast: Angela Bettis, Kirby Bliss Blanton, Ben Cotton, Devon Graye

A killer returns
tortures young girls in the morgue
first breasts in 3D

soulmining rating: ***

I Know How Many Runs You Scored Last Summer

Dir: Stacey Edmonds & Doug Turner

Cast: Jai Koutrae, Stacey Edmonds, Az Jackson, David Gambin

Bullied at boys school
now puts spikes in cricket balls
have a nice shower

soulmining rating: *

Eden Lake

Dir: James Watkins

Cast: Kelly Reilly, Michael Fassbender, Jack O'Connell, Thomas Turgoose

Couple go camping
hoodies intimidate them
I blame the parents

soulmining rating: ****

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

The Mummy: Tomb Of The Dragon Emperor

Dir: Rob Cohen

Cast: Brendan Fraser, Jet Li, Maria Bello, John Hannah

Absolute nonsense
so bad I made myself sleep
bring back talking plane

soulmining rating: *

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Get Smart

Dir: Peter Segal

Cast: Steve Carell, Anne Hathaway, Dwayne Johnson, Alan Arkin

Promoted to spy
lots of mishaps on the way
stop the conductor

soulmining rating: ****

Friday, August 08, 2008


Dir: Prachya Pinkaew

Cast: JeeJa Yanin, Hiroshi Abe, Pongpat Wachirabanjong, Amara Siripong

She collects the debts

has to fight lots of heavies
but is scared of flies

soulmining rating: ****

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

Hellboy II: The Golden Army

Dir: Guillermo Del Toro

Cast: Ron Perlman, Selma Blair, Doug Jones, Jeffrey Tambor

Search the troll market
stop Prince from raising army
become big red dad

soulmining rating: ****

The X Files: I Want To Believe

Dir: Chris Carter

Cast: David Duchovny, Gillian Anderson, Amanda Peet, Billy Connolly

Big yin has visions
need to find missing agent
Mulder still obsessed

soulmining rating: ***

Thursday, July 31, 2008


Dir: Andrew Stanton

Voices: Ben Burtt, Elissa Knight, Jeff Garlin, Sigourney Weaver

He cleans up the earth
she comes looking for plant life
chase around spaceship

soulmining rating: ****

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

The Dark Knight

Dir: Christopher Nolan

Cast: Christian Bale, Michael Caine, Heath Ledger, Gary Oldman

Ledger's legacy
as Joker toys with Batman
targets Harvey Dent

soulmining rating: ****

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Journey To The Centre Of The Earth 3D

Dir: Eric Brevig

Cast: Brendan Fraser, Josh Hutcherson, Anita Briem, Seth Meyers

Find volcanic tubes
dodge beasties at the earth's core
and flying yo-yo

soulmining rating: ****

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Brighton Wok: The Legend Of Ganja Boxing

Dir: Gabriel Howard

Cast: Richard Forsyth, Samson Byford-Winter, Randolph Barrington, Laura Byford-Winter

He's the chosen one
devil's claw at royal pav
smokes ganja to fight

soulmining rating: ***

Friday, July 11, 2008

Donkey Punch

Dir: Olly Blackburn

Cast: Robert Boulter, Tom Burke, Nichola Burley, Jaime Winstone

Party on the boat
donkey punch kills one of them
everyone panics

soulmining rating: ****


Dir: Peter Berg

Cast: Will Smith, Charlize Theron, Jason Bateman, Eddie Marsan

Drunk superhero
forced to go into rehab
suddenly veers off

soulmining rating: **

Sunday, June 29, 2008


Dir: Timur Bekmambetov

Cast: James McAvoy, Morgan Freeman, Angelina Jolie, Terence Stamp

Normal office guy
finds that he can curve bullets
adult action joy

soulmining rating: ****

The Ruins

Dir: Carter Smith

Cast: Jonathan Tucker, Jena Malone, Laura Ramsey, Shawn Ashmore

Don't step on the vines
don't try and leave the hillside
don't pick up the knife

soulmining rating: ***

Sunday, June 22, 2008

The Incredible Hulk

Dir: Louis Leterrier

Cast: Edward Norton, Liv Tyler, Tim Roth, William Hurt

He still gets angry
army want to capture him
big fight on high street

soulmining rating: ***

The Happening

Dir: M. Night Shyamalan

Cast: Mark Wahlberg, Zooey Deschanel, John Leguizamo, Ashlyn Sanchez

Suicides begin
not a terrorist attack
he talks to the plants

soulmining rating: **

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

Superhero Movie

Dir: Craig Mazin

Cast: Drake Bell, Sara Paxton, Christopher McDonald, Leslie Nielsen

More like shit movie
Dragonfly not Spiderman
it's a laugh free zone

soulmining rating: *