Movie Haiku - Revolver

www.revolverthemovie.co.uk


Dir: Guy Ritchie


Cast: Jason Statham, Ray Liotta, Andre Benjamin, Vincent Pastore


They talk in riddles

who, what, why, where and who cares?

deserves no credits


Rich - who had the misfortune of seeing Revolver with me - said I should just write, "Shit!" But you all want to know what kind of shit don't you, so I'll oblige. Let me begin by saying that I enjoyed Ritchie's first two films (I had the good sense to avoid his turd, sorry third film, Swept Away) so I did rather wonder whether the critics just had it in for him. Had he really shot himself in the foot with his latest project? Well, yes, on this occasion the reviews were 100% accurate - this is a bona-fide stinker. You want the plot? It's something to do with Jake (Statham) being released from prison, then heading over to a casino in... some place where they have $12 dollar bills... to perform a con on Macha (Liotta). He gets involved with two mobsters, Avi (Benjamin) and Zach (Pastore) who he might or might not have met before. There's also a lot of talk about a mysterious Mr Gold who might or might not exist at all. And that really is about it. Who's conning who, how and why are all tied up in an endless series of riddles, and after the first half hour you really won't care anyway - you'll more likely have lost the will to live. Don't be fooled by Ritchie's claims that this is a movie for smart people, it isn't; even Stephen Hawking couldn't work this one out, frankly it's incomprehensible. Discussing it with friends afterwards, we literally had no idea what Revolver was about. It doesn't help that most of the dialogue is utter bollocks... Jake can't emit a sentence without it being some kind of sagely riddle, and Avi comes a close second. Man, it becomes tiresome real quick! Then there's the endless - and I really do mean endless - voiceovers by both Jake and Macha as their internal monologues repeatedly spew forth. Will you both just shut the f*** up! It's a shame, because usually I enjoy watching Statham - he's never been a great actor, but he's always good value doing macho roles in the likes of The Transporter. Sadly here he's totally out of his depth, and with his scruffy facial hair he looks like a hobo who's lucked in with a smart suit. Liotta is no better, hamming it up in his 'banana hammock' for all he's worth. The only actor to escape with any dignity at all is The Long Firm's Mark Strong who's lone, troubled killer Sorter is infinitely more complex than any of the other characters in the film; it's no surprise that the only two decent scenes in the entire film both involve him - the inventive shoot-out in a restaurant as Macha is pinned under a table, being shot at by a waitress, and later when Sorter turns against Macha's fellow band of hitmen. Those all-too-brief scenes remind us that Ritchie can direct with a bit of flair. But two good scenes in a two hour movie is no compensation for the sorry mess that surrounds them. Ritchie seems to think he's making a classic that mixes the best bits of The Usual Suspects, Goodfellas and Fight Club, but he's sadly deluded, the result is so pretentious with it's repeated fade to title cards and overly-portentious classical score. He even apes Tarantino's Kill Bill by throwing in a dollop of animation, but it's so random and pointless you're just left wondering why he bothered at all. And as for that ending, well, the screen goes black, the music continues and, erm, that's it. Everyone in the audience looks at one another, baffled, and then sniggering breaks out. Well, I suppose at least the crew involved don't have the shame of seeing their names on screen attached to this piece of excrement. Even now, one week later, the mere mention of Revolver makes me shudder. It's hard to convey the sheer awfulness of this movie without you having to judge it for yourself - but I strongly advise you against it; that's two hours of your life you'll never get back. Honestly, it's ten times worse than Stealth, and I didn't think that would be humanly possible. If this was the work of a bunch of amateurs with limited resources it would be bad enough, the fact that it comes from an established director is a quite astonishing piece of career suicide. In summary then: Shit.

soulmining rating: *

Movie Haiku - Goal!

www.goalthemovie.com


Dir: Danny Cannon


Cast: Kuno Becker, Alessandro Nivola, Stephen Dillane, Anna Friel


He's good with a ball

Toon want to play in big cup

Beckham tries acting


Football films are generally crap, so I went into the screening of Goal! with zero expectations. The set up is pretty familiar; a young boy dreams of playing professional football, is given his chance, and has to overcome various adversities to achieve his ambitions. The boy is Santiago (Becker) who is discovered playing on the streets of LA by Glen Foy (Dillane), a former club scout for Newcastle United. He promises a trial for the lad - if he can get himself over to England. His father disapproves, but with the help of his Gran he manages to get a plane ticket and arrives on Tyneside where he's taken in by Foy. Now he has to impress the 'gaffer' at United with his skills, all the while making friends with playboy striker Gavin Harris (Nivola), falling for the team doctor (Friel) - and overcoming his problem with asthma, so cruelly exploited by one of his team mates. Will he succeed and help Newcastle United qualify for the Champions League? What do you think? So far so cliched, but what makes Goal! transcend its formulaic story is the ambition and scope of all involved. For starters there's director Danny Cannon, returning to film after finding success in the US with the CSI series. Then there's the writing talents of Dick Clement & Ian La Frenais, the duo behind the enduring Auf Wiedersehen Pet series - who better to write a script set in Newcastle, laced with wit, passion and human drama. And unlike Unleashed (set in Glasgow - are you sure?), Goal! revels in its location, showcasing the city and unashamedly letting the Geordie dialogue shine through. But perhaps the most telling contribution to the film is by FIFA, football's governing body; by allowing the film makers access to the real players and Premiership games there is, for the first time, a sense that the action on the pitch is really happening - because it really did. So, we see Nivola swapping passes with Alan Shearer, Steven Gerrard leads the opposing Liverpool team out in the film's big match finale, and there's cameos from the likes of David Beckham and Zidane elsewhere. Of course, this being Premiership football, it quickly dates - hence the likes of Jenas, Robert, Kluivert and Milner have all moved clubs since the film was made! And it's perhaps cruel to suggest that Newcastle United qualifying for European football is indeed only fiction! Anyway, it's hard to criticise because essentially the characters are likeable, with Becker bringing real enthusiasm to the role of Santiago. Nivola's character of Harris is so obviously based on ex-NUFC bad boy Craig Bellamy, whilst the manager is clearly inspired by Arsene Wenger. There's also some fun supporting roles for Sean Pertwee as a football agent, Lee Ross as Harris's wide-boy buddy, and even AC/DC singer Brian Johnson as a Newcastle fan propping up a bar over in LA where Santiago's family are following his progress. Throw in a hip, laddish soundtrack full of Oasis and Kasabian and you can't really go wrong. Envisioned as a trilogy, with part two following Santiago at Real Madrid (currently being filmed by Jaume Collet-Serra) and part three based around the 2006 World Cup, this is a bold, ambitious attempt to make a decent series of films about football. On the evidence of Goal! they've certainly scored with their first shot on target.

soulmining rating: ****

The Rakes & Louis XIV at the Concorde

My friend David - the guy who co-wrote the FrightFest feature with me - came down from London yesterday, so I met up with him and his friends Lisa and Hayley for the latest NME Tour to hit the Concorde. The Rakes were headlining; I hadn't heard any of their stuff before, but they were alright, playing that contemporary indie sound of Hard-Fi / Franz Ferdinand with a few Ian Curtis moves thrown in for good measure. I don't think I'm going to rush out and buy their record though. Oh, and please excuse my shitty photography last night, I must admit I spent more time chatting and drinking than concentrating on the bands.

I didn't even get around to snapping Louis XIV as they were already halfway through their set when we arrived (well, I didn't expect them to be playing at 9:30 when the gig was supposed to go on to 1am), which is a real shame as they were a much more intriguing prospect. Sounding a little like The White Stripes fronted by Mark E. Smith (vocally), and with a healthy dose of charisma and stage presence, they ought to go down well over here - I'd certainly like to see them do a full headlining live show. I was keen to catch up with Jason (the singer) as he's a friend of Tatiana's and she'd interviewed the band in LA earlier this year (check out her article here) and I was lucky enough to spot him standing right behind me during The Rakes set, so I went over and introduced myself. We had a quick chat and he revealed that the band have been asked to appear on the Jonathan Ross show this week - although I had to explain to him exactly who Jonathan Ross is, and why that's a good invitation to get - so look out for them on BBC One on Friday night. In the meantime you can check out their website here, and get ready for their album The Best Little Secrets Are Kept which is released here on October 17th.

FrightFest 2004 Revisited

Hey, I've just found some photos from last year's FrightFest event after sorting through some old emails, so I thought I'd post them up here.

Here's director Guillermo Del Toro and actor Ron Perlman at the Hellboy signing session.
Here's director Chan-wook Park with FrightFest organiser Paul McEvoy introducing the screening of Oldboy.

Thanks to Steve for the photos - but Steve, did you not get any shots of Selma Blair?

Movie Haiku - A History Of Violence

www.historyofviolence.com


Dir: David Cronenberg


Cast: Viggo Mortensen, Maria Bello, William Hurt, Ed Harris


Have a go hero

kills two men in his cafe

is he someone else?


The trailer tells you all that you need to know about A History Of Violence. Tom Stall (Mortensen) is a family man living in a quiet neighbourhood. When a couple of thugs try to rob his diner, Tom stands up to them and in the ensuing melee kills them in self defence. He's hailed a hero by the town, but Tom just wants to get back to his normal life with his loving wife Edie (Bello) and two kids. Then Carl Fogaty (Harris) and his goons turn up at the diner and Carl is insistent that Tom is really someone else. That someone else is Joey from Philadelphia, the guy that attacked Carl with barbed wire and cost him his left eye. Does Tom harbour a secret past or is he an innocent drawn into the world of mob violence after one moment of heroism? It's an intriguing premise that works best the less you know about story, as you're never quite sure where the film is going to head - it certainly didn't play out to my expectations. This is not a flashy movie, it's a deliberately paced, thoughtful film that takes a normal man and places him in exceptional circumstances, with the emphasis on how violence affects him, and the people closest to him. Yes, there are violent scenes within the film but they're brief, sudden bouts - albeit sickening - that feel real, not exploitative to feed an audience's bloodlust. Cronenberg's direction is understated and intelligent, giving the story and its characters time to breathe. There's none of his trademark body-horror weirdness here - this is perhaps his most linear, commercial film to date. The slow, atmospheric build up during the first half of the picture - as Carl keeps making veiled threats towards Tom's family - is note perfect. However, the latter stages of the film, with the introduction of Joey's friend Richie (Hurt), seem rushed and lacking in conviction by comparison - which will come as a disappointment to those who've read John Wagner & Vince Locke's graphic novel upon which the film is based. Nevertheless, A History Of Violence still succeeds in its intentions and is a film that you'll want to discuss as soon as you've left the cinema. Special praise should be given to Viggo Mortensen who in his portrayal of Tom gives a career best performance. Bello follows her role in The Cooler with another strong female part where she again has to confront scenes of an explicitly violent and sexual nature. Ashton Holmes also shines as Tom's son, empowered to stand up against his own bullies after his father's display of courage. This is not your typical Cronenberg movie, it's not even your typical horror-thriller, it's just an intelligent story about one man and how he faces up to the violence in his life.

soulmining rating: ****

Movie Haiku - Howl's Moving Castle

www.howlsmovingcastlemovie.co.uk


Dir: Hayao Miyazaki


Voices: Christian Bale, Emily Mortimer, Jean Simmons, Billy Crystal


Fire makes castle walk

witch's spell makes lady old

can they stop the war?


Spirited Away was the movie that finally introduced the West to the talent of Hayao Miyazaki and the incredible animation of Studio Ghibli. It remains the pinnacle of modern animated filmmaking, an undisputed masterpiece. After a smaller feature (The Cat Returns - given a limited UK release during the Summer) Mayazaki now presents his latest epic - Howl's Moving Castle. This time our protagonist is a young lady by the name of Sophie (Mortimer) who falls foul of the Witch of the Waste (Lauren Bacall), who casts a spell that turns our Sophie into an elderly lady (Simmons). Exiled to the wastelands she's guided by a pogoing scarecrow (aka Turnip Head) to a mysterious castle where she makes a deal with the fire-spirit Calcifer (Crystal) and becomes the live-in cleaner. Owner of the castle is Howl (Bale), a sorcerer who uses many aliases and is wanted by the King to help fight the war in his kingdom - which Howl vociferously opposes. So... they want to stop the war, Sophie wants to break the spell cast upon her, the Witch of the Waste is after Howl's heart, and who exactly is Turnip Head? Oh yeah, and Calcifer can make the castle walk. So, there's a lot going on here, and much of it sounds pretty bonkers, but that's Japanese fantasy for you - although it has to be said, the film is actually adapted from the children's novel by Diana Wynne Jones. I don't know what it is about Miyazaki's films but it doesn't matter what age you are, you can't fail to be drawn into his colourful world. And what a world it is! Miyazaki's films always have strong, empowered female characters, and what I like about his storytelling is that the lines are often blurred - no character is just 'good' or 'bad', they're multi-faceted, complex individuals who change and conflict with the audience - especially here in the portrayal of the Witch of the Waste. Whilst it's a film that children will enjoy it doesn't patronise or dumb down to a young audience, and it can be appreciated on many levels. The theme of war, and Howl's stand against it, certainly echoes contemporary society and the debates which continue to this day. With Howl's Moving Castle Miyazaki has again demonstrated that he is a master of his craft - the animation is again simply stunning, with his visual tics of open landscapes, cobbled streets and strange flying objects all present and correct. The voices on this dubbed UK release are actually okay - Billy Crystal in particular capturing the playful essence of Calcifer - but some cinemas are screening the original Japanese language version with English subtitles which is likely to be even better, if you can seek it out. It's not quite as unique as Spirited Away, but even so, it totally surpasses any of the Western animated releases this year and is well worth checking out - a delightful movie.

soulmining rating: ****

A bunch of Melon Farmers

Minimiam is the name of this fantastic collaboration between two photographers, Akiko Ida from Japan (who designs all the miniatures) and Frenchman Pierre Javelle. The duo specialise in this style of cuisine art and there's loads of other cool shots on their website here.

Thanks to GG for this one.

Crazy Cat Lady in Action

How about this for the latest action figure - yes, it's the Crazy Cat Lady! Dressed in her bathrobe, pajama bottoms, headband and with her customary 'wild' hair, she comes with six stray cats. All this can be yours for a bargain $10.95 from www.stupid.com.

So what are you waiting for?

What's next, the Crazy Cat Lady starring in her own superhero movie?

Thanks to Maneki Neko for this.

Movie Haiku - The 40 Year Old Virgin

www.40yearoldvirginmovie.co.uk


Dir: Judd Apatow


Cast: Steve Carell, Catherine Keener, Paul Rudd, Seth Rogen


His mates take the piss

You're gay if you like Coldplay

he gets his cock wet


What? Oh, come on, I'm hardly spoiling the ending for you; there's not going to be a sequel called The 41 Year Old Virgin. As if. Anyway, I watched Anchorman again recently and it reminded me what a gifted performer Steve Carell is, he really stole the show from Will Ferrell. After his stint as David Brent in the American version of The Office, he now has his first headlining role as The 40 Year Old Virgin. Andy (Carell) is a loner who works in an electrical store. When he bonds with his work colleagues during a poker night, talk turns to their sexual conquests, and Andy's secret soon comes out - he's still a virgin. His new friends David (Rudd), Cal (Rogen) and Jay (Romany Malco) make it their mission to get him laid, and educate him in the ways of wooing a lady. Whilst all this is going on Andy strikes up a friendship with a local trader, Trish (Keener), and gradually they get romantically involved - but of course, Andy is terrified about his virginal status and causes all kinds of mayhem. At the heart of this film is your typical rom-com story arc - boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy wins girl back again. Around that is a series of gross-out gags (yes, more scenes of vomiting) and un-politically correct humour from the lads. In fact, at times the movie seems more like a series of sketches linked together, and at nearly two hours long it's apparent that director Apatow was reluctant to leave anything out. Whilst the film does ramble a little at times, there's no denying that much of the humour is very funny, particularly the dialogue from Rudd, Rogen and Malco - the scene in which David and Cal sit playing computer games accusing one another of being gay is like vintage Newman & Baddiel and seems largely improvised. Carell, perhaps surprisingly, plays his role a lot more understated that you'd expect, and is often the straight man in this comedy team, but Andy is a likeable character and always fun to watch. After a summer largely devoid of decent celluloid comedy, The 40 Year Old Virgin comes as a guilty pleasure - just don't expect a sequel.

soulmining rating: ****

Movie Haiku - The Cave

www.sonypictures.com/movies/thecave


Dir: Bruce Hunt


Cast: Cole Hauser, Morris Chestnut, Lena Headey, Piper Perabo


Something's in the caves

so they'll all die one by one

bit like The Descent


Why is it when one studio has an idea for a movie, all the others follow suit with similar films? Our second cave-dwelling drama this year is The Cave, with Catacombs still to come. Unfortunately it comes after The Descent, a horror movie which did everything right - it's going to be a tough act to follow. Archaelogists discover a buried network of caverns, so Jack (Hauser) and his team of cave-divers are employed to go in and have a look around. But of course they're not alone, there's something down there... something that flies, and something that kills. Yes, it's your basic Ten Little Indians plot - a bunch of people getting picked off one by one by an unknown assasin. When it works (like in Aliens, perhaps the best example of the genre) it offers a great thrill ride for the audience. The Cave plays reasonably well, but is let down by a rather bland set of characters who by and large we don't really care much about. Hauser has never been a great actor and is not leading man material, well certainly not on this evidence. The supporting cast is patchy, with Brit Lena Headey coming off best as Kathryn - eagle-eyed viewers will also spot Lost's Daniel Dae Kim as cameraman Kim. The biggest problem with the film is that it's pitched as a 12A certificate, therefore any horror is muted. There's little swearing, and little gore when the attacks come, leaving the film feeling far too aneamic. Also the lighting - especially when compared to The Descent - is too bright; there's no real sense of the claustrophobia of the surroundings which is needed to give the film atmosphere and suspense. There is one exception - the scene in which Charlie (Perabo) comes face to face with the cave's creature is superbly executed (no pun intended) and confounds expectations. The film moves towards its surprise denoument (okay, it's not much of a surprise, but it's a fun twist nonetheless) steadily enough, and if anything it reminded me more of Pitch Black in tone than anything else - and not just because of the prescence of Cole Hauser. Overall it's fine, but if you really want to watch a subterranean shocker then you should check out The Descent instead - The Cave is just Descent-lite.

soulmining rating: ***

Movie Haiku - The Dukes Of Hazzard

www.dukesofhazzard.warnerbros.com


Dir: Jay Chandrasekhar


Cast: Johnny Knoxville, Seann William Scott, Jessica Simpson, Burt Reynolds


They drive orange car

Hogg wants to sell their farmland

yee haw, it's brainless


Like many chaps my age, I used to love watching The Dukes Of Hazzard on Saturday afternoons when I was growing up. The inevitable movie adaptation arrives here with a questionable pedigree - Johnny Knoxville, Seann William Scott and Jessica Simpson as the Dukes, with Broken Lizard's Jay Chandrasekar at the helm? Well, it hardly suggests box office gold. The plot - and I use that word generously - has Boss Hogg (Reynolds) with a dastardly plan to turn Hazzard County into a large mine. He's going to get the plans approved at the town hall whilst all the townsfolk are watching the annual road race. Of course, the Dukes find out what's going on and manage to thwart his plans, whilst winning the race into the bargain. Well, what else did you expect to happen? This actually makes the film sound like it has a coherent story, but frankly it's a sorry mess. Let's take Luke (Knoxville) and Bo (Scott) - in the tv series they were likeable and intelligent. Here they're just stupid, always playing silly pranks on one another as if they're in an American Pie movie. Quite how they figure out how to dress themselves, let alone uncover Hogg's plan is a miracle in itself. Surely the fundamental cornerstone of The Dukes Of Hazzard was that the Dukes were the clever ones, whilst the cops were the dumb ones? And then there's Daisy (Simpson); don't get me wrong, she's very pretty in those shortest of shorts, but that's all she is in this film - sex on legs. Come on, Daisy always had beauty and brains, but here she's given no character whatsoever. The casting is all wrong too... step forward Sean William Scott. This man is an idiot, he is just wretched, and if I ever hear him shout "yee haw!" or "whoo!" once more then I will become violent. And Burt Reynolds as Boss Hogg? Surely you need Danny De Vito? Don't the producers understand that you need familiar character actors for the supporting roles, not a bunch of nobodies... Prickett (the racing driver) so wants to be Ben Stiller, but he doesn't even come close. Knoxville I can forgive, he just looks embarassed about the whole thing, especially when he has to ride with Jessie (Willie Nelson) and put up with his awful wisecracks. Jeez, even Jackass was less painful than Willie's jokes. Chandrasekar isn't a bad director (heck, I even enjoyed Club Dread) but what can he do when the writing is so, so poor? I mean, the Dukes drive to the college Atlanta on a tenuous mission just so we can 'enjoy' a bit of slapstick and culture-shock humour. No! No! No! And how about this for stupidity; why do all the townsfolk suddenly decide to follow Bo to the town hall when he wins the race? Is he the pied-piper of Hazzard County? IT MAKES NO F***ING SENSE! Okay, I admit, this movie annoyed me. The only saving grace comes during the closing credits when we get to see all the outtakes of the stuntmen wrecking upteen General Lees on the freeway. It's not quite as bad as Stealth, but this film is definitely one hazard which should be avoided.

soulmining rating: *

Play It Cool in September

All the tunes that I've been listening to this month seem to have resulted from my Bank Holiday spending spree in London. The joy of the independent record dens of Soho is that they always have the latest promos and imports available for sale, and they're usually pretty cheap too (the new CD from The Cardigans was only £4.99 for example) - how can I resist? So here's my top five CDs for September:

• Imogen Heap - Speak For Yourself (Megaphonic)
• The Cardigans - Super Extra Gravity (Universal)
• Soulwax - Nite Versions (PIAS)
• Heather Nova - Red Bird (Sony BMG)
• Juliana Hatfield - Made In China (Ye Olde Records)

The Return of the Mac

At long last I've managed to get my hands on a PC. In fact, it's Stephen's old Power Mac G4 which I used to use back in our Coldean days. I've yet to get broadband set up, and I'm sure it will take me a while to get used to the Mac's different software, but at least I can watch my new DVD of The Mighty Boosh in bed now.

In other news I have finally written up all my FrightFest reviews and added my little haikus (just keep scrolling down and you'll see they've all been filled in). Admittedly the reviews are largely culled from my Eat My Brains feature, but what do you expect? These include such new releases as Red Eye, Wolf Creek, Land Of The Dead and Night Watch, so check 'em out. Maybe things can get back to normal around here now...

The Berliner

Old Guardian vs. New Guardian

Yesterday The Guardian ceased to be a broadsheet newspaper, and relaunched as a tabloid... no, sorry, a 'Berliner' style paper.

I like it the new size, it's dinky.

Having a Technical...

I feel I should apologise for the lack of regular postings here over the past fortnight. Taking on the responsibilty of writing for Eat My Brains has had the knock on effect that I subsequently have had no free time to post anything on here - well, not whilst work continues to be as manic as it is right now. It's nearly ten days on from FrightFest and I'm still writing up my main feature, and yes, I do realise that I've still got all those haikus and reviews to go back and fill in...

Then once that's done, there's even more movies to post reviews for... currently The Dukes Of Hazzard, The Cave and The 40 Year Old Virgin.

I'm supposed to be getting a Mac at home soon... it can't arrive quickly enough at this rate!

Anyway, thanks for listening - normal, more regular updates, will resume shortly - I hope.

FrightFest Day 4 - Monday

Graham, Steve and Rich

The final day began with a screening of Born To Fight which I'd already seen (check out my review here) but it was great to see it again with the FrightFest crowd and there were plenty of "ooohs" and "aaahs" as the mad Thai stuntmen took care of business. Next up was Day Of The Dead 2: Contagium which sucked big donkey balls - well, I only managed fifteen minutes before deciding that the bar would be a much more attractive alternative!

Me and Paul Spurrier

I was a little nervous about finally seeing P as I'd already done an interview with the director, Paul Spurrier, and had been hyping his film up for months. Thankfully I wasn't disappointed; it was a refreshing take on Asian spirit folklore with some great performances from its novice cast and shot in beautiful cinemascope. Paul did a Q&A after the screening, and Russ and I caught up with him in the bar later - after being collared by a couple of girls from Devon (aka the FrightFest drunks) who claimed to be big fans of the Eat My Brains website. Before Antibodies (with the director and lead actor in attendance) we were treated to some more new trailers and had to judge a short film competition for inclusion on The Last Horror Movie DVD release. Sadly none of the shorts were quite as good as yesterday's The Ten Steps, but we eventually picked Self Help as the winning entry.

Greg McLean and the Wolf Creek cast

Before the final film of the festival the organisers took the stage to announce the winners of the inaugural FrightFest film quiz, and I was delighted to find that I'd finished in the top ten and won another goodie bag of The Devil's Rejects stuff. Wolf Creek was introduced by its director and cast and was a fitting climax to the event - my favourite film of the whole weekend, tense and unrelentingly grim. Do go and see it when it has its UK release later this month.

So, that's FrightFest over for another year. My initial misgivings about the quality of this year's films were soon tempered by some excellent movies on the Sunday and Monday. The move to the OWE was also successful, with better seating and more room to socialise around the venue. Thanks must go to the unholy trinity of Paul, Alan and Ian, and to my fellow FrightFesters - especially Steve, Rich, Mike, Jim, Russ, David, Graham, James and Jodie - for making it the highlight of my film-going year.

You can read my full account of FrightFest on Eat My Brains here.

FrightFest Movie Haiku - Wolf Creek

www.wolfcreekmovie.com


Dir: Greg McLean


Cast: John Jarratt, Nathan Phillips, Cassandra Magrath, Kestie Morassi


They're stuck in outback

he won't really fix their car

tortures them instead


Wolf Creek is based on ‘true events’, but essentially it takes the statistics – a horrifying 30,000 people are reported missing in Australia every year – and then takes one or two specific murder cases to fashion this grisly ‘what if’ scenario. So we have two girls (Magrath and Morassi) and a guy (Phillips) stranded in the outback when bushman Mick (Jaratt) appears from out of nowhere to offer his help. We just know that Mick’s got other plans for the trio, it’s just a case of when, where and quite how badly is he going to torture them? The waiting is unbearable. For the first time all weekend I felt genuinely uncomfortable and on edge. The relief when the terror actually starts is short lived because really there is no relief whatsoever – Mick is a sick, twisted individual, as single-minded and unfeeling as Leatherface or any of the other best horror icons. Without a doubt Wolf Creek is horror in its purest form and the film is an undoubted triumph. With steady direction from McLean and edgy performances from the cast (including the great John Jaratt who relishes his role as Mick – just wait until you hear his Crocodile Dundee gag), this was the perfect – if unrelentingly grim - movie to close FrightFest with. A must-see film for all horror aficionados, I strongly urge you to visit Wolf Creek – just don’t forget to pack a spare pair of pants.

soulmining rating: *****

FrightFest Movie Haiku - Antibodies

www.antikoerper-derfilm.de


Dir: Christian Alvart


Cast: Wotan Wilke Mohring, Heinz Hoenig, Andre Hennicke, Ulrike Krumbiegel


They catch the killer

ask him questions like Lecter

did he kill the girl?


2002’s Tattoo proved that Germany can equal Hollywood when it comes to making a decent serial killer flick, and this year we have Antibodies. The film begins with the capture of Gabriel (Hennicke), a killer of young boys, but the question is here, was he also responsible for the murder of a young girl called Lucia in a remote Berlin village? Local cop Michael (Moehring) is the only one to question his assumed guilt, and Gabriel holds all the answers – so what really happened? Mixing elements of The Silence Of The Lambs and Se7en, this is another solid addition to the thriller genre. By taking one specific incident we’re able to examine the dynamics of this rural village – in a series of flashbacks – as the real story slowly unfolds. Alvart’s film is expertly paced, feeding the viewer tiny snippets of information little by little, until – with a mounting sense of dread – you realise exactly what kind of sick game Gabriel is playing with Michael. The relationship between the two, which even acknowledges its influences, effectively echoes the iconic exchanges between Clarice Starling and Hannibal Lecter. Woltan Wilke Moehring (try pronouncing that after a few beers) gives a cracking performance and Alvart also does well, possessing an instinctive knack of composing his frames with great beauty, and marrying his images to a suitably haunting soundtrack. As for the ending… well, it’ll all end in deers, believe me.

soulmining rating: ****

FrightFest Movie Haiku - P

www.pbar.info


Dir: Paul Spurrier


Cast: Suangporn Jaturaphut, Opal, Supatra Roongsaurang, Paul Spurrier


She dances in bar

careless use of magic spells

spirit wants raw meat


Having championed this film back in June, and subsequently interviewed director Paul Spurrier for Eat My Brains, I was desperately hoping that P was going to be as interesting as it sounded. This is a Thai film with a difference in that whilst it was made by a Thai crew for a Thai audience, the director is actually British – the first time a Westerner has made a Thai language movie. So what would Paul bring to the Asian ghost story genre, and more importantly, would another creepy long-haired Asian girl dominate his film? Thankfully, no, this is a little different in its approach. As Paul himself says, it’s largely a drama which just happens to have a few horror elements in it, the central story coming from the close relationship between new bargirl Dau (Jaturaphut) and the more experienced Pookie (Opal). Dau has moved to Bangkok to earn money for her sick granny. She's been trained in magic since an early age, yet forgets some of the basic rules, so conjuring the spirit within which feeds on human flesh. Can her new friends save her? Voyeuristic or not, life in a Bangkok strip bar has never been portrayed so accurately, and without passing judgement on either the girls that work there, or their regular customers. The first half of P – like Audition – is largely shock free, but this allows us to connect with the characters before the ‘khee’ hits the fan. The fact that the spirit is based on common Thai folklore gives it an authentic feel, and the performances seem completely natural – Jaturaphut, in her film debut, deserves special praise in the role of Dau. Spurrier handles the horror elements tactfully, using only the bare minimum of CGI to enhance Dau’s features as she’s possessed by the flesh-hungry ‘phii bawb’ spirit. Actually, it’s an outstanding achievement for Spurrier, who not only wrote and directed P, but also starred in it, edited it, worked as first DP and composed the music! The film – shot in beautiful cinescope – looked superb up the Odeon’s big screen and it will be a travesty if this is not picked up for international distribution. The campaign starts here!

soulmining rating: ****

FrightFest Movie Haiku - Day Of The Dead 2: Contagium

www.taurus-entertainment.com


Dir: James Dudelson & Ana Clavell


Cast: John F. Henry, Joseph Marino, Jackeline Olivier, Laurie Baranyay


Toxic gas escapes

bad acting in asylum

I need a beer quick


If you’d logged onto the FrightFest forum pre-festival then you’d know that this was the odds-on favourite to be the worst film of the weekend. It certainly had my vote. A sequel, in name only, by a bunch of amateurs who held the rights to the brand name? It didn’t bode well… And neither did the start, with a frankly embarrassing scene set in a military hospital which supposedly led to the original outbreak. Fast-forward – rather confusingly – to “5 days earlier” and we’re introduced to a bunch of knuckleheads working at the local asylum who’ve clearly never acted before in their lives. By now I’d realised that this wasn’t going to get any better than this and frankly I’d had enough – this was simply too excruciating for words. As Alan Jones said to me outside, “We knew it was going to be bad, we just didn’t realise how bad!” I sat alone in the bar and tried to drink away the memories of those first fifteen minutes. Proof then; Day Of The Dead 2: Contagium – it will drive you to drink. The reaction afterwards? It was either appallingly bad, or appallingly bad but hilarious, depending on who you talked to. Rather worryingly, Jim was talking about ordering the DVD…

soulmining rating: *