Bad Biology

www.myspace.com/badbiology

Dir: Frank Henenlotter

Cast: Charlee Danielson, Anthony Sneed, Tom Kohut, James Glickenhaus


She's got seven clits
he injects his monster cock
they're a perfect match

soulmining rating: ***

Freakdog

www.frightfest.co.uk/freakdog

Dir: Paddy Breathnach

Cast: Arielle Kebbel, Sarah Carter, Andrew Lee Potts, Martin Compston


Goes into coma
drugs make him possess and kill
far too much strobing

soulmining rating: **

The Strangers

www.thestrangersmovie.com

Dir: Bryan Bertino

Cast: Liv Tyler, Scott Speedman, Gemma Ward, Kip Weeks


Alone in the house
the strangers come a knocking
make you jump a lot

soulmining rating: ****

Mum & Dad

www.revolvergroup.com

Dir: Steven Sheil

Cast: Perry Benson, Dido Miles, Olga Fedori, Ainsley Howard


Heathrow drives them mad
parents abduct immigrants
so dysfunctional

soulmining rating: ****

Trailer Park Of Terror

www.trailerparkofterror.com

Dir: Steven Goldman

Cast: Nichole Hiltz, Trace Adkins, Priscilla Barnes, Stefanie Black


Trailer trash zombies
feast on visiting teenies
fry them in hot oil

soulmining rating: ***

Timecrimes

www.loscronocrimenes.com

Dir: Nacho Vigalondo

Cast: Karra Elejalde, Barbara Goenaga, Nacho Vigalondo, Candela Fernandez


Spies on girl in woods
flees masked man in time machine
needs to change future

soulmining rating: ****

Scar 3D

www.scarthemovie.com

Dir: Jed Weintrob

Cast: Angela Bettis, Kirby Bliss Blanton, Ben Cotton, Devon Graye


A killer returns
tortures young girls in the morgue
first breasts in 3D

soulmining rating: ***

I Know How Many Runs You Scored Last Summer

www.therunsmovie.com

Dir: Stacey Edmonds & Doug Turner

Cast: Jai Koutrae, Stacey Edmonds, Az Jackson, David Gambin


Bullied at boys school
now puts spikes in cricket balls
have a nice shower

soulmining rating: *

Eden Lake

www.edenlakemovie.co.uk

Dir: James Watkins

Cast: Kelly Reilly, Michael Fassbender, Jack O'Connell, Thomas Turgoose

Couple go camping
hoodies intimidate them
I blame the parents

soulmining rating: ****

The Mummy: Tomb Of The Dragon Emperor

www.themummy3movie.co.uk

Dir: Rob Cohen

Cast: Brendan Fraser, Jet Li, Maria Bello, John Hannah


Absolute nonsense
so bad I made myself sleep
bring back talking plane

soulmining rating: *

Get Smart

www.getsmartmovie.co.uk

Dir: Peter Segal

Cast: Steve Carell, Anne Hathaway, Dwayne Johnson, Alan Arkin


Promoted to spy
lots of mishaps on the way
stop the conductor

soulmining rating: ****

Chocolate

www.chocolate-movie.com

Dir: Prachya Pinkaew

Cast: JeeJa Yanin, Hiroshi Abe, Pongpat Wachirabanjong, Amara Siripong


She collects the debts
has to fight lots of heavies
but is scared of flies

soulmining rating: ****

Hellboy II: The Golden Army

www.hellboymovie.co.uk

Dir: Guillermo Del Toro

Cast: Ron Perlman, Selma Blair, Doug Jones, Jeffrey Tambor


Search the troll market
stop Prince from raising army
become big red dad

soulmining rating: ****

The X Files: I Want To Believe

www.xfiles.com

Dir: Chris Carter

Cast: David Duchovny, Gillian Anderson, Amanda Peet, Billy Connolly


Big yin has visions
need to find missing agent
Mulder still obsessed

soulmining rating: ***

WALL•E

www.meetwalle.co.uk

Dir: Andrew Stanton

Voices: Ben Burtt, Elissa Knight, Jeff Garlin, Sigourney Weaver


He cleans up the earth
she comes looking for plant life
chase around spaceship

soulmining rating: ****

The Dark Knight

www.thedarkknightmovie.co.uk

Dir: Christopher Nolan

Cast: Christian Bale, Michael Caine, Heath Ledger, Gary Oldman


Ledger's legacy
as Joker toys with Batman
targets Harvey Dent

soulmining rating: ****

Journey To The Centre Of The Earth 3D

www.journeymovie.com

Dir: Eric Brevig

Cast: Brendan Fraser, Josh Hutcherson, Anita Briem, Seth Meyers


Find volcanic tubes
dodge beasties at the earth's core
and flying yo-yo

soulmining rating: ****

Brighton Wok: The Legend Of Ganja Boxing

www.brighton-wok.com

Dir: Gabriel Howard

Cast: Richard Forsyth, Samson Byford-Winter, Randolph Barrington, Laura Byford-Winter

He's the chosen one
devil's claw at royal pav
smokes ganja to fight

soulmining rating: ***

Donkey Punch

www.donkeypunchmovie.co.uk

Dir: Olly Blackburn

Cast: Robert Boulter, Tom Burke, Nichola Burley, Jaime Winstone


Party on the boat
donkey punch kills one of them
everyone panics

soulmining rating: ****

Hancock

www.hancockwashere.com

Dir: Peter Berg

Cast: Will Smith, Charlize Theron, Jason Bateman, Eddie Marsan


Drunk superhero
forced to go into rehab
suddenly veers off

soulmining rating: **