Bad Biology

www.myspace.com/badbiology

Dir: Frank Henenlotter

Cast: Charlee Danielson, Anthony Sneed, Tom Kohut, James Glickenhaus


She's got seven clits
he injects his monster cock
they're a perfect match

soulmining rating: ***

Freakdog

www.frightfest.co.uk/freakdog

Dir: Paddy Breathnach

Cast: Arielle Kebbel, Sarah Carter, Andrew Lee Potts, Martin Compston


Goes into coma
drugs make him possess and kill
far too much strobing

soulmining rating: **

The Strangers

www.thestrangersmovie.com

Dir: Bryan Bertino

Cast: Liv Tyler, Scott Speedman, Gemma Ward, Kip Weeks


Alone in the house
the strangers come a knocking
make you jump a lot

soulmining rating: ****

Mum & Dad

www.revolvergroup.com

Dir: Steven Sheil

Cast: Perry Benson, Dido Miles, Olga Fedori, Ainsley Howard


Heathrow drives them mad
parents abduct immigrants
so dysfunctional

soulmining rating: ****

Trailer Park Of Terror

www.trailerparkofterror.com

Dir: Steven Goldman

Cast: Nichole Hiltz, Trace Adkins, Priscilla Barnes, Stefanie Black


Trailer trash zombies
feast on visiting teenies
fry them in hot oil

soulmining rating: ***

Timecrimes

www.loscronocrimenes.com

Dir: Nacho Vigalondo

Cast: Karra Elejalde, Barbara Goenaga, Nacho Vigalondo, Candela Fernandez


Spies on girl in woods
flees masked man in time machine
needs to change future

soulmining rating: ****

Scar 3D

www.scarthemovie.com

Dir: Jed Weintrob

Cast: Angela Bettis, Kirby Bliss Blanton, Ben Cotton, Devon Graye


A killer returns
tortures young girls in the morgue
first breasts in 3D

soulmining rating: ***

I Know How Many Runs You Scored Last Summer

www.therunsmovie.com

Dir: Stacey Edmonds & Doug Turner

Cast: Jai Koutrae, Stacey Edmonds, Az Jackson, David Gambin


Bullied at boys school
now puts spikes in cricket balls
have a nice shower

soulmining rating: *

Eden Lake

www.edenlakemovie.co.uk

Dir: James Watkins

Cast: Kelly Reilly, Michael Fassbender, Jack O'Connell, Thomas Turgoose

Couple go camping
hoodies intimidate them
I blame the parents

soulmining rating: ****

The Mummy: Tomb Of The Dragon Emperor

www.themummy3movie.co.uk

Dir: Rob Cohen

Cast: Brendan Fraser, Jet Li, Maria Bello, John Hannah


Absolute nonsense
so bad I made myself sleep
bring back talking plane

soulmining rating: *

Get Smart

www.getsmartmovie.co.uk

Dir: Peter Segal

Cast: Steve Carell, Anne Hathaway, Dwayne Johnson, Alan Arkin


Promoted to spy
lots of mishaps on the way
stop the conductor

soulmining rating: ****

Chocolate

www.chocolate-movie.com

Dir: Prachya Pinkaew

Cast: JeeJa Yanin, Hiroshi Abe, Pongpat Wachirabanjong, Amara Siripong


She collects the debts
has to fight lots of heavies
but is scared of flies

soulmining rating: ****

Hellboy II: The Golden Army

www.hellboymovie.co.uk

Dir: Guillermo Del Toro

Cast: Ron Perlman, Selma Blair, Doug Jones, Jeffrey Tambor


Search the troll market
stop Prince from raising army
become big red dad

soulmining rating: ****

The X Files: I Want To Believe

www.xfiles.com

Dir: Chris Carter

Cast: David Duchovny, Gillian Anderson, Amanda Peet, Billy Connolly


Big yin has visions
need to find missing agent
Mulder still obsessed

soulmining rating: ***

WALL•E

www.meetwalle.co.uk

Dir: Andrew Stanton

Voices: Ben Burtt, Elissa Knight, Jeff Garlin, Sigourney Weaver


He cleans up the earth
she comes looking for plant life
chase around spaceship

soulmining rating: ****

The Dark Knight

www.thedarkknightmovie.co.uk

Dir: Christopher Nolan

Cast: Christian Bale, Michael Caine, Heath Ledger, Gary Oldman


Ledger's legacy
as Joker toys with Batman
targets Harvey Dent

soulmining rating: ****

Journey To The Centre Of The Earth 3D

www.journeymovie.com

Dir: Eric Brevig

Cast: Brendan Fraser, Josh Hutcherson, Anita Briem, Seth Meyers


Find volcanic tubes
dodge beasties at the earth's core
and flying yo-yo

soulmining rating: ****

Brighton Wok: The Legend Of Ganja Boxing

www.brighton-wok.com

Dir: Gabriel Howard

Cast: Richard Forsyth, Samson Byford-Winter, Randolph Barrington, Laura Byford-Winter

He's the chosen one
devil's claw at royal pav
smokes ganja to fight

soulmining rating: ***

Donkey Punch

www.donkeypunchmovie.co.uk

Dir: Olly Blackburn

Cast: Robert Boulter, Tom Burke, Nichola Burley, Jaime Winstone


Party on the boat
donkey punch kills one of them
everyone panics

soulmining rating: ****

Hancock

www.hancockwashere.com

Dir: Peter Berg

Cast: Will Smith, Charlize Theron, Jason Bateman, Eddie Marsan


Drunk superhero
forced to go into rehab
suddenly veers off

soulmining rating: **

Wanted

www.wantedmovie.com

Dir: Timur Bekmambetov

Cast: James McAvoy, Morgan Freeman, Angelina Jolie, Terence Stamp


Normal office guy
finds that he can curve bullets
adult action joy

soulmining rating: ****

The Ruins

www.ruinsmovie.com

Dir: Carter Smith

Cast: Jonathan Tucker, Jena Malone, Laura Ramsey, Shawn Ashmore


Don't step on the vines
don't try and leave the hillside
don't pick up the knife

soulmining rating: ***

The Incredible Hulk

www.incrediblehulk.com

Dir: Louis Leterrier

Cast: Edward Norton, Liv Tyler, Tim Roth, William Hurt


He still gets angry
army want to capture him
big fight on high street

soulmining rating: ***

The Happening

www.thehappeningmovie.com

Dir: M. Night Shyamalan

Cast: Mark Wahlberg, Zooey Deschanel, John Leguizamo, Ashlyn Sanchez


Suicides begin
not a terrorist attack
he talks to the plants

soulmining rating: **

Superhero Movie

www.superhero-movie.net

Dir: Craig Mazin

Cast: Drake Bell, Sara Paxton, Christopher McDonald, Leslie Nielsen


More like shit movie
Dragonfly not Spiderman
it's a laugh free zone

soulmining rating: *

Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull

www.indianajones.com

Dir: Steven Spielberg

Cast: Harrison Ford, Cate Blanchett, Karen Allen, Shia LaBeouf


Man with hat is back
goes on adventure with skull
now with added son

soulmining rating: ***

Outpost

www.outpostthemovie.com

Dir: Steve Barker

Cast: Ray Stevenson, Julian Wadham, Richard Brake, Paul Blair


In soldiers' bunker
looking for secret machine
those Nazi's aren't dead

soulmining rating: ***

Speed Racer

www.speedracermovie.co.uk

Dir: The Wachowski Brothers

Cast: Emile Hirsch, Christina Ricci, John Goodman, Susan Sarandon


Colours blast your eyes
stop the crooked businessman
go speed go and win

soulmining rating: ****

Iron Man

www.ironmanmovie.com

Dir: Jon Favreau

Cast: Robert Downey Jr, Terrence Howard, Jeff Bridges, Gwyneth Paltrow


Captured in desert
builds iron suit to escape
stops making weapons

soulmining rating: ***

Deception

www.deception-movie.com

Dir: Marcel Langenegger

Cast: Hugh Jackman, Ewan McGregor, Michelle Williams, Maggie Q


He joins their sex list
but they're just setting him up
shamed faces all round

soulmining rating: *

In Bruges

www.focusfeatures.com/inbruges

Dir: Martin McDonagh

Cast: Colin Farrell, Brendan Gleeson, Ralph Fiennes, Clemence Poesy


Two hitmen in Bruges
sightsee and meet racist dwarf
boss comes to kill them

soulmining rating: ****

Street Kings

www.foxsearchlight.com/streetkings

Dir: David Ayer

Cast: Keanu Reeves, Forest Whitaker, Hugh Laurie, Chris Evans


Corrupt police force
he's the one that takes a stand
seen it all before

soulmining rating: ***

Forgetting Sarah Marshall

www.forgettingsarahmarshall.co.uk

Dir: Nicholas Stoller

Cast: Jason Segel, Kristen Bell, Mila Kunis, Russell Brand


Meets his ex on hols
now she's with English rockstar
Brand just plays himself

soulmining rating: ****

Persepolis

www.persepolismovie.com

Dir: Marjane Satrapi & Vincent Paronnaud

Voices: Chiara Mastroianni, Catherine Deneuve, Danielle Darrieux, Simon Abkarian

Young girl in Iran
grows up in revolution
keeps independence

soulmining rating: ***

21

www.sonypictures.com/movies/21

Dir: Robert Luketic

Cast: Jim Sturgess, Kate Bosworth, Laurence Fishburne, Kevin Spacey


He's plays Blackjack well
go to Vegas to count cards
Fishburne's watching them

soulmining rating: ****

Pathology

www.enterpathologylab.com

Dir: Marc Schloelermann

Cast: Milo Ventimiglia, Michael Weston, Alyssa Milano, Lauren Lee Smith

Wretched med students
kill random strangers for fun
worthless piece of sh*t

soulmining rating: *

Grindhouse

www.myspace.com/ukgrindhousetour

Dir: Robert Rodriguez & Quentin Tarantino

Cast: Rose McGowan, Freddy Rodriguez, Kurt Russell, Rosario Dawson

Back to back at last
fight flesh-dripping humans then
take a ride with Mike

soulmining rating: *****

Awake

www.awakethemovie.com

Dir: Joby Harold

Cast: Hayden Christensen, Jessica Alba, Terrence Howard, Lena Olin


Rich kid has heart op
but he doesn't fall asleep
they plan to kill him

soulmining rating: **

Art Of The Devil 3

www.longkhong2.com

Dir: Pasith Buranajan

Cast: Napakpapha Nakprasitte, Namo Tongkumnerd


How teacher went bad
wanted her for Mum's spirit
gets out safety pins

soulmining rating: ***

Shutter

www.shutter-movie.com

Dir: Masayuki Ochiai

Cast: Joshua Jackson, Rachael Taylor, David Denman, John Hensley


Newlyweds go east
spooky ghost in their photos
he did a bad thing

soulmining rating: **

Doomsday

www.doomsdayiscoming.com

Dir: Neil Marshall

Cast: Rhona Mitra, Bob Hoskins, Craig Conway, Malcolm McDowell


Virus in London
go over wall to Glasgow
looking for a cure

soulmining rating: ****

The Mist

www.themist-movie.com

Dir: Frank Darabont

Cast: Thomas Jane, Marcia Gay Harden, Laurie Holden, Jeffrey DeMunn


Something in the mist
townsfolk get stranded in store
how far can they get?

soulmining rating: ****

The Cottage

www.thecottagemovie.co.uk

Dir: Paul Andrew Williams

Cast: Andy Serkis, Reece Shearsmith, Steve O'Donnell, Jennifer Ellison


Kidnap busty girl
hide in a remote cottage
chased by scarred farmer

soulmining rating: **

Vantage Point

www.sonypictures.co.uk/vantagepoint

Dir: Pete Travis

Cast: Dennis Quaid, Matthew Fox, Forest Whitaker, William Hurt


See same scene six times
President shot and bomb blast
next time sillier

soulmining rating: ***

The Eye

www.theeyefilm.co.uk

Dir: David Moreau & Xavier Palud

Cast: Jessica Alba, Alessandro Nivola, Parker Posey, Rade Serbedzija


Blind girl gets new eyes
sees spirits taking the dead
tanker will explode

soulmining rating: ***

Rambo

www.movies.break.com/rambo

Dir: Sylvester Stallone

Cast: Sylvester Stallone, Julie Benz, Matthew Marsden, Graham McTavish


He guides aid workers
captured by Burmese rebels
shoot them to pieces

soulmining rating: ***

Be Kind Rewind

www.bekindrewindthemovie.co.uk

Dir: Michel Gondry

Cast: Jack Black, Mos Def, Danny Glover, Mia Farrow


He erased the tapes
so they make their own versions
try to save the shop

soulmining rating: ****

Untraceable

www.killwithme.co.uk

Dir: Gregory Hoblit

Cast: Diane Lane, Billy Burke, Colin Hanks, Joseph Cross


Posts victims online
more viewers mean quicker deaths
everyone logs on

soulmining rating: ***

Blade Runner: The Final Cut

www.bladerunnerthemovie.com

Dir: Ridley Scott

Cast: Harrison Ford, Rutger Hauer, Sean Young, Edward James Olmos


Ridley tinkers more
sci-fi classic looks awesome
not a replicant

soulmining rating: ****

U2 3D

www.u23d.co.uk

Dir: Catherine Owens & Mark Pellington

Cast: Bono, The Edge, Adam Clayton, Larry Mullen Jr


Uno dos tres wow
you can almost touch the band
the future is now

soulmining rating: ***